The Subjugation of Jeff

Cats are interesting creatures. One second they can be the cutest, most loving creature on earth and the next they are a whirling cloud of chaos and claws. But just one cat ended up being my savior. My name is Chance and I am the subordinate of Jeff the Demonic Roomba.

I have been enjoying having my own genie for the past few months. All it takes is a small sacrifice and Jeff will give me whatever my heart desires. I have a new car, all the money I could ever spend, two beautiful and exotic women in my bed and a happy, healthy dog that Jeff doesn't try to eat every time she comes in the room. But the sacrifices are weighing on me. I have to go out and find stray animals or lost pets and feed them to Jeff. I usually will catch something and bring it home and then retreat to my bedroom with Naomi and put on some noise cancelling headphones so I don't have to listen to the wet crunching sounds as Jeff devours his sacrifice. People have started noticing that their pets are going missing in my general area so I'm having to go farther and farther from home to find things. If I go too long without wishing, then Jeff will start to threaten me or my dog again.

That night I had driven a couple hours away from home because Jeff was getting hungry again. It had been a couple weeks since my last wish and I honestly didn't know if I could keep this up anymore. I already had anything I could possibly wish for and I was beginning to feel guilty for wanting more. Then I had the idea of just finally letting Jeff loose and whatever happens, happens. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad if I lost my soul. I'm hardly using it right now anyway. I'm being a greedy little shit and killing people's pets, so I'm probably damned anyway. What if I just wished for this all to be over? Maybe Jeff would kill me and then he would be on his own anyway. That's it! I will wish for something that would make him alone and then he won't be able to give me what I want.

Now that I had a plan I started searching for the proper sacrifice. I wanted something big enough that he would be satiated for a while but also not so big that it would be hard to catch. And just as I had that thought I noticed an orange tabby sitting in a window. It looked so adorable sitting there, but I was on a mission. I walked up to the window and waved to the cat. I looked at the tag on the collar and saw the name GEORGE.

"Hi George. I'm here to take you on an adventure." I said sweetly.

I started searching for a way to get the cat out of the house. There was a doggy door in the front door so I assumed there was also a dog in the house. I didn't want to risk waking the inhabitants of the house, so I knew breaking the window was out. I also didn't want to deal with an angry dog trying to bite me while I tried to catch the cat. As I was standing there the cat jumped down from the window and disappeared into the house. I stood there for a minute but decided I was already in enough trouble and didn't want to add breaking and entering to my list of crimes.

As soon as I started walking away the cat strolled out of the doggy door and out into the night. I figured this was my chance, so I approached and tried to coax him towards me.

"Hey there sweet boy. Wanna come meet Jeff? He's...well he's an asshole and will most likely eat you but your sacrifice will be for the greater good." I tried to use my sweetest voice.

It worked and the cat approached. I quickly snatched him and stuffed him into the box I had already prepared. Just as I was about to close the lid I got clawed to the back of my hand.

"OW! Little fucker. Now I don't feel as bad about you getting devoured."

I took him back to my house and did my usual habit of letting the cat loose and then running upstairs to cuddle with my dog Naomi and my two lovers Fēnxiāng and Nājiẏā. I put on my noise cancelling headphones and went to sleep in between the girls.

I woke up the next morning feeling...off. I opened one eye to look around the room, but everything looked normal. Both girls were snuggled against my side and Naomi was asleep at the foot of the bed. It wasn't until I pulled out the noise cancelling headphones that I heard an enormous CRASH from downstairs.

I threw back the covers and ran down the stairs. The living room was a complete disaster! Every piece of furniture was knocked over and the tv was upside down and halfway embedded into the wall.

"What the HELL happened in here?"I thought to myself.

I heard a small meow from behind me while I was examining the damages. I turned around and saw George the cat riding on top of Jeff!

"Get this infernal creature off of me!" He screamed.

I couldn't help myself. I laughed.

"You think this is FUNNY?"

"Well...yeah."

"Get it off! Get it off!"

"How the hell did this happen?"

"I don't know! I was preparing to devour this malevolent idiot when it lept onto the stairs. Next thing I am aware it is on top of me and telling me to take it home."

"You can speak to cats?"

"Ignorant talky meat. I can speak to multiple creatures from your weak plane of existence. Cats, as you call them, are the only life form that we hate more than humans."

"Why? They are so sweet and..."

"Because they REFUSE to be subjugated! They think they are above us and seek to control the demons and denizens of the underworld."

"So, they are the perfect thing to rid me of you permanently?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You are going to leave Jeff. I never want to see your broken mechanical ass around here ever again. This cat," I said as I picked it up "is my savior."

"You cannot be serious."

"Oh, I'm very serious. Cats are your natural adversaries so you will be taking this cat home and by the time you get back I will have one of my own. And if I ever see you here again, I will make sure that my house and the surrounding area will be overloaded with cats."

"What about your wish?"

"I have more than I could ever want. My next wish was going to hopefully do what George has already done."

"And what is that talky meat?"

"My name is FUCKING Chance you asshole! And I was going to wish for something that you *couldn't* do without breaking our pact. But now you need to leave. Take George home and when you get there why don't you just keep fucking off until you reach the end of the road and then fuck off past that."

I gently placed the cat back on top of Jeff and opened the door. He stood defiant for a minute or two before you could hear him sigh and roll his ass outside. I slammed the door shut and walked happily back up the stairs where my three happy girls were waiting.

THE END

Bio: When he's not hosting his YouTube Livestream The Teahouse, Kǎiláng is a musician, writer, martial artist and creator. He makes custom Chinese style hand bound journals and hand drawn calligraphy. This is his third published work, but it won't be his last.

E-mail: Lǐ Kǎiláng

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