The Man Who Mooned the World

Irving Vesper was the greatest rocket salesman who ever lived. He was also the greatest man I ever knew.

Vesper wasn't just the most successful person who ever sold used rockets. He was a genius when it came to advertising.

Once Vesper had determined to sell something, he never let his dreams be moored, immutably, to the earth. Irv Vesper always gazed beyond the horizon. Up past the rising moon.

And even then, just a little beyond.

"Irv, you're not just a good salesman, you're a great salesman," said Bernie Kahn to Vesper when came looking to get his old job back as a salesman at "Colonial Rockets" in Old Miami.

Vesper, the washed up salesman, looked down and held his space cowl in his hands.

"Bernie," said Vesper. "I know you're still mad at me for what I did to you as fraternity pledge master at Miami Aeronautical University."

"But that was twenty years ago," said Vesper. "Can't we get beyond that?"

"You don't remember what you did to me when we were members of Tau Epislon Phi, the Ethnic Jewish Flight Fraternity?"

"I treated you like crap." said Vesper to Kahn.

"I dumped you out of a low flying rocket, naked, into the Everglades, during Pledge Week," said Vesper.

"Bernie, I'm sorry for how I treated you, but we were twenty years old. That's how young pilots treat each other!"

"So what brings you into Colonial Used Rockets this morning?" said Kahn.

"I got a cease and desist e-mail from International Gyro-Bakers this morning, " said Vesper. "They're closing all of their dealerships. As of this morning I no longer own 'Lauderdale Gyro-Baker Rockets'." said Vesper.

"Sorry to hear that," said Kahn, who had known all along that Vesper's rocket dealership had closed two hours before.

"Let me talk to my partner, Alvin Solomon, to see if have an entry level position for you. Maybe we can find an entry-level position for you. Maybe we can use you on the used rocket lot," said Kahn.

"Thanks, Bernie," said Vesper.

When he left Kahn's office with his head down, he looked like the expensive Weimaranar puppy that he had just bought for his children the day before he lost his job.

""Do you remember," Kahn said to Alvin Solomon, his partner, "Whenever Vesper came into the Mare Innebrium spaceport bar we used to say, "Vesper is a stupid businessman, but as a used rocket salesman, nobody is better. He could sell small rockets like a lynx to a jinx!"

"Sure," said Solomon. "As a person, he's a loudmouth, but as a salesman for used rockets he's as strong as death. By the way, you didn't also hire Vesper's oldest son, Ronnie to work here, did you? There's something wrong with him."

"No," said Kahn. "Ronnie Vesper is mentally ill. He's been in a psychiatric hospital for months," said Kahn.

"Do they have any other kids?" ask Solomon.

"Yeah," said Kahn. "His daughter Suzy Vesper wants to go to law school some day and his daughter Sally Vesper is a "White Reggae Singer."

"Whatever happened to Vesper's youngest kid?" asked Solomon.

"Little Stevie Vesper?" said Kahn. "He's becoming some kind of writer, I think."

"Fine," said Alvin Solomon. "Vesper will have a good reason to work hard. He's got four kids to feed."

"Ok," said Kahn. "Let's let him stew for a day. I'll call him back tonight."

The following morning Vesper came back to work as a salesman at Colonial Used Rockets.

Everybody knew that he had lost his rocket dealership Fort Lauderdale Gyro-Bakers, which had been located near the Jackie Gleason Memorial Space Port.

Vesper worked for Bernie Kahn for the next four years. What Kahn did not know was that every day after work Vesper hustled over to the University of Miami for night classes in advertising.

"Welcome back " said Harvey Adams, Vesper's new mentor in "Subliminal Advertising".

"You're a little older than my other students," said Professor Adams. "Are you sure you're ready for a full schedule of night classes?"

"What were my other options?" said Vesper.

Towards the end of the semester, Adams told his students "You need to conduct a experiment in subliminal advertising. Make the public want something they don't even know they want."

The other students inserted slides of popcorn during a movie and then measured how much popcorn was sold by the end of the movie.

Vesper had a different approach.

He had heard that his flight fraternity, TEP, was scheduled to elect a new international president the following month.

The idea for Vesper's advertising campaign had come to him one night after he had watched a six hour marathon of American anime', something which he collected and treasured. The following morning, after watching his fourth iteration of "Samurai Nudnik," the idea for his subliminal advertising project came to him. He couldn't get the name "Pink Lloyd Quimby" out of his head.

Vesper realized that every fan knew the name of their favorite anime director, and every fan knew the name of their favorite anime voice actor, but nobody knew or even cared what the name of the third assistant director was.

For twenty years of anime the name "Pink Llloyd Quimby" had flashed across the screens in small print, long after the fans had stopped consciously reading the credits.

The week of the "Subliminal Advertising" final Irving Vesper inserted the name "Pink Lloyd Quimby" into the internet ballot for International President of the Jewish fraternity, TEP.

When the TEP members went to vote that week, they were all sure they had heard Quimby's name before. Maybe he had been the kid who had sat behind them in Rocket Maneuvers freshman year?

Quimby won the election by a landslide. For years the members of TEP were stumped why no one named Pink Lloyd Quimby had ever come forward to accept the presidency of their fraternity.

Harvey Adams gave Vesper an A+ in his advertising course. It remains the highest grade ever received in any business course at the University of Miami.

The month after Vesper received his MBA in Outdoor Advertising he texted Bernie Kahn.

"Meet me at Sisters Restaurant for lunch today," read Vesper's text. "I've got an idea."

After Kahn sat down Vesper said, "What's the most successful outdoor advertising campaign ever?"

"Five years ago," said Kahn. "Putting up counter-obverse Advertising Holograms on the Moon."

"Exactly," responded Vesper. "We both thought we had missed that opportunity, right? But I've got an idea that will keep us in the rodeo for the next ten years."

Vesper opened up his "Sketch and Etch" and showed Kahn this hologram.

"It's a picture of the moon," said Kahn. "It's the billboard that got away."

Vesper showed Kahn the next illustration.

"That's the logo that Rudick-Lebowitz used in their original full moon campaign," said Kahn. "Pass me the mustard."

"Forget about the mustard!"" said Vesper. "Seeing a face in the moon is a phenomenon called paredolia. It's like when a person thinks they see a smiley face of the Galle crater on Mars or seeing Jesus in a taco, or the Virgin Mary in a water stain on the wall."

"So?" said Kahn. "The rights to advertise on the surface of the moon are now tied up. Everything from Rastafarian Soda to Chinese Boxer Shorts is up there. We missed our chance."

"Yes" said Vesper. "The bright side of the moon is all tied up. It's too expensive for a chain of used rocket dealerships, isn't it? But the moon has another face, doesn't it? I'm talking about the dark side of the moon, the side that we all pass whenever we use the moon to sling shot into deeper space."

"You can actually project a hologram on dark side of the moon?" said Kahn.

"Yes," said Vesper. "The dark side of the moon is even better than the song by Roger Waters."

"Irv," said Kahn, "You're a lousy businessman, but are you telling me that you have already applied for the patent to put counter-obverse holograms on the dark side of the moon?"

Vesper, pulled out his "Sketch and Etch" and showed another image to Kahn.

"Big deal," said Kahn, "It's a stylized picture of the man in the moon."

Vesper turned the knobs of the tablet once more.

"It's a picture of a guy showing his backside," said Kahn. " I have no intention of using that in an ad campaign."

Again, Vesper turned the knobs.

"You're going to have an ad campaign telling people to kiss your butt?" exploded Kahn. "How is that going to motivate people to buy used rockets?"

Then, Vesper showed him the last hologram that he had been holding back all along.

"Isn't it cute?" asked Vesper. "Can't you see how her cheeks display the letters 'V' and 'K' for Vesper-Kahn Rockets? Just imagine," said Irving Vesper. "A moon ad with this girl riding on top of a Vesper-Kahn used rocket!"

Three months later when the ad showed up on the moon the text below the logo read, The size of your next used rocket doesn't really matter. Come to Vesper-Kahn, where it's the discount that counts!

For years after that, Irving Vesper was famous in the advertising world. His campaign for the dark side of the moon came to be known by the public as "Mooning The Moon."

But Vesper's luck didn't end with just the moon campaign. Vesper recalled the slogan that Professor Adams had taught him.

"Sell the sizzle, not the steak"

Vesper's next idea to promote Vesper/Kahn came to him while he was staring out the window of his condominium. He looked down and there was a large dog park, just to the side of the building.

As Vesper looked on, every dog squatted and did his business.

Overnight, Vesper invested heavily in stray dogs shelters. Vesper/Kahn then owned 152,00 stray animals, which needed adoption.

"Do you think you can do this kind of cybernetic attachment for dogs?" Vesper asked his vet, Noah Selman.

"It will take a few months," said Selman, "but by the time we get done every dog will have cybernetic enhancement attached to their bowel opening!"

Good," said Vesper. "Let the mass surgeries begin!"

Four months later Vesper Rockets persuaded America to adopt 152,000 rescue dogs.

After that, every time Vesper looked down at the dog park he was delighted to see that 4 out of 5 dogs pooped out the letters "V/K."

Two years after the "Poop The Rocket" campaign Vesper bought 25,643 tattoo parlors around the country.

After that, practically every person walking around South Florida with a tattoo was subliminally advertising Vesper/Kahn rockets

Toward the end of his career Vesper decided to make his own face the logo of Vesper/Kahn rockets. For the next six years anyone who downloaded a video on-demand had to first see a trailer of Irv Vesper, dressed in lime green pants and a bright orange jacket, walking though the used rocket lot.

"Buy this used rocket," Vespers ads screamed, "I'm Doctor Vesper and I'm telling you, this is a healthy rocket!"

Ten years later, when Irving Vesper died, Bernie Kahn was quoted in the Miami Herald saying, "Years ago I would have told you that Irving Vesper was at the end of his career,"

"I couldn't have been more wrong," Kahn continued in the interview. "Irving Vesper was the smartest marketing genius who ever lived, bar none."

The last line of Vesper's obituary that morning noted that Vesper was survived by his daughters: Judge Susan Vesper, the well-known singer, Sally Vesper Shreff, and by his only son, the writer Steven Vesper.

And so, these few spare lines that I have written here barely do justice to the legend or the legacy that my father left behind.

Nonetheless, all of these words were written lovingly, in memory of my father, Irving Vesper.

History will always remember him as "The Man Who Mooned The World."

To this day, people still stop me and say, "I bought my first used rocket from your dad!" People always tell me " Irving Vesper was the greatest used rocket salesman who ever lived!"

I guess it must be true.

But to me?

He was just the greatest man that I ever knew.

Steven Vesper

THE END

Bio: Rabbi Steven Lebow is a congregational (Reform) Rabbi who lives outside of Atlanta, Georgia. He has fought for gay and civil rights for a quarter century, marched in dozens of protest marches and had his life threatened on many an occasion by the Klan and other racist organizations.  His life and work in the area of civil rights have been profiled in The New York Times and the Washington Post, the Wall Street Journal and the Atlanta Journal Constitution, CNN and NPR. He has published many articles in scholarly journals, in the area of semiotics and psychological symbolism. His most recent articles are "A Structural View of Ethnic Immigration, As Seen Through The Lense Of Professional Sports," and this spring "Separation/Individuation and Oedipal Motifs in the Genesis Narrative." (Journal of Reform Judaism- Spring, 2014.) His last Aphelion appearance was The Toys in the Nursery are Dangerous in our March 2014 issue.

E-mail: Rabbi Steven Lebow

Comment on this story in the Aphelion Forum

Return to Aphelion's Index page.