Aphelion Issue 224, Volume 21
December 2017 / January 2018
 
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First World Problem Blues

by Iain Muir


My internet connection’s slow as dial-up
The plane that I had sex in, wasn’t a mile up!
I got the cell-phone-battery’s-dyin’
First World Problem Blues!

I distinctly asked for almond, not this soya crap!
The radio’s playin’ Eminem, and I don’t like rap,
I got the soy-milk-in-my-latte,
First World Problem Blues!

My local health-food store is, all outta kale,
I’ve only got two bars and, I can’t check mail!
I got the trainin’-a-new-barista,
First World Problem Blues!

My folks bought me a Ferrari – I wanted a Porsche!
I can’t even get a boyfriend – my sister’s divorced!
I got the I-wanted-it-in-fuscia,
First World Problem Blues!

The girl I met on Tinder, was really a guy
At least now I can tell folks, I'm actually bi!
I got the which-bathroom-do-I-use-now?
First World Problem Blues!

This mornin’s uber driver, was last night’s date!
Oh gods, did I really tell her, she was my soul-mate?
I got the swipe-left, did-I-swipe-right?
First World Problem Blues!

Discovery’s on Netflix, but the Klingons look all wrong!
My fav’rite band’s new album, has no decent songs!
I got the Firefly-got-cancelled
First World Problem Blues!

Steve Rogers works for Hydra? Are you frickin’ mad?
Oh wait, across at DC, Superman’s a dad?
I got the DC-versus-Marvel
First World Problem Blues!

Hollywood just franchises, they’re fresh out of ideas.
New sequels, prequels, reboots, it’ll all end in tears!
I got the Battlestar Galactica
First World Problem Blues!

I gotta name folks can't spell right, hey thanks for that, dad!
Or else they can’t pronounce it, which drives me mad.
I got the hell-dude-that's-close-enough
First World Problem Blues!

Reality tee vee, makes me weep for mankind!
Or did we miss the Rapture, and we’re all Left Behind?
I got the who-are-these-frickin’-morons?
First World Problem Blues!


2017 Iain Muir

What can we say about Iain Muir that he hasn't already said himself? Wit, raconteur, soldier of fortune, and heir to the legacy of Munchausen. Rumours of his invention (and subsequent suppression) of the elastic-band-powered FTL 'snap' drive are vehemently denied (until he can get the patent through).

For the last several years, he has been poetry editor at Aphelion. No, we don't know how he gets away with it either.

Find more by Iain Muir in the Author Index.

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