by Mike Berger
A vampiress checked into the emergency room;
she was having heart palpitations but there was
no handsome ghoul to cause her heart to flutter.
It was quickly determined that her cholesterol was
off the scale.
They gave her some medication and put her on
a strict diet. No more red meat and absolutely
scratch more blood. She could eat grains, fruits,
and nuts. She could eat vegetables except for
rutabagas and Swiss chard.
She was confused, vampires were supposed
to live forever; how could this happen to her?
Developing terrible cravings, she would sweat
and pace the floor. Going through withdrawals
she was in agony.
She found some relief sucking on gummy bears,
but their effects were fleeting. Filling her anguished
hours with Charlie Chaplin movies, she managed
to avoid drinking blood.
In her three-month checkup, her cholesterol was
back in the normal range. She uttered a loud sigh
of relief and she celebrated her victory by downing
a six pack of diet root beer laced with kumquat juice.
© 2011 Mike Berger
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