Matter of Fact
by Edward Sullivan
I am in the office. I answer the phone. I log the calls. I eat
lunch. God is in my brain. It has been there all along. I just noticed
today. A particle exists there which is the first particle. There are
many similar particles constantly transitioning in and out of creation.
They make matter actually matter. This particle is different, it
remains. An alpha particle had to be somewhere. It could have been
anywhere. Anywhere is apparently my brain. It doesn't have an agenda.
An agenda would mean intelligence. Intelligence would mean it has a
brain. The particle is simpler than that. It has purpose instead. Do
you have any idea how frustrating that is? Something with intelligence
and an agenda can be changed. This has no evolution, no start, and no
end. It doesn't want. It doesn't need. It is existence in a static
state. Yet it is in me. It is beyond needing to be aware of me.
Unfortunately I am aware of it. Just thinking about it has opened a
door which can't be closed.
I am at home. I play with my daughter. I eat dinner. I brush
my teeth. It sits there. It lets me know the answer. I no longer need
the question. Nobody around me knows it is happening. Occasionally I
even forget it is there. Whether I remember it is there or not makes no
difference to it. The purpose it serves started long ago and my brain
is just a waypoint for it. I will die and decompose. When I am gone it
will be somewhere else. I should feel honored to contain it. I am not
sure how I feel. My feelings are irrelevant.
I sleep at night. I dream. I do not move at night. I am
paralyzed. This is when I have the most understanding of it. I think
when my consciousness isn't in the way I grok it more. When my mind is
at its most basic I understand better. It doesn’t decay for some reason
like others. It just sits there. It makes my brain more massive each
day. The weight has not increased. That is odd. Gravity should be a
factor as the mass increases. My head is constantly fuller but never
grows. I think other particles have a tendency to seek out the alpha
I saw the doctor. He sees nothing wrong. I tell him I know
something is different. He asks, "What is the matter?" I say,
"Everything is the matter." I am afraid he misunderstands. I have the
symptoms of multiple ailments. The signs go away within hours then come
back. They are never there when the doctors look at me. They come and
go quick. The particle remakes me quicker than time unmakes me. The
particle remains in balance. It is in balance in me. It isn't that it
desires balance. Desire is a conscious thing. It just has a tendency
toward balance. It could be brought out of balance if powerful enough
forces worked against it. What these forces are that could overcome the
creative force behind existence I don't know. It could happen, it could
I have spent life like this. It has been there all along. Is
everyone like this? Am I just the only one who realizes it? The
particle is endless so this condition is endless. What am I supposed to
do? I could end my life but that action is phatic once you know the
meaning of existence. The enormity of it all traps me in an inactive
state some days. There is no solution to my problem, I am not even sure
if I have a problem. I know answers to things that people have dreamed
about for eons. I have my own brand new set of questions which plague
me. The answers to my questions are bound to have answers as simple as
the initial questions. The answers are probably right in front of me.
I have a particle in my head. It is the thing which matters
most literally. It isn’t going anywhere. It isn’t doing anything. It is
just waiting for everything else that exists to do something. It does
not need explanation. It defies the parameters of our understanding. It
will stay in my head until my head is no longer mine or a head.
© 2014 Edward Sullivan
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