Aphelion Issue 275, Volume 26
August 2022
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Matter of Fact

by Edward Sullivan

I am in the office. I answer the phone. I log the calls. I eat lunch. God is in my brain. It has been there all along. I just noticed today. A particle exists there which is the first particle. There are many similar particles constantly transitioning in and out of creation. They make matter actually matter. This particle is different, it remains. An alpha particle had to be somewhere. It could have been anywhere. Anywhere is apparently my brain. It doesn't have an agenda. An agenda would mean intelligence. Intelligence would mean it has a brain. The particle is simpler than that. It has purpose instead. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? Something with intelligence and an agenda can be changed. This has no evolution, no start, and no end. It doesn't want. It doesn't need. It is existence in a static state. Yet it is in me. It is beyond needing to be aware of me. Unfortunately I am aware of it. Just thinking about it has opened a door which can't be closed.

I am at home. I play with my daughter. I eat dinner. I brush my teeth. It sits there. It lets me know the answer. I no longer need the question. Nobody around me knows it is happening. Occasionally I even forget it is there. Whether I remember it is there or not makes no difference to it. The purpose it serves started long ago and my brain is just a waypoint for it. I will die and decompose. When I am gone it will be somewhere else. I should feel honored to contain it. I am not sure how I feel. My feelings are irrelevant.

I sleep at night. I dream. I do not move at night. I am paralyzed. This is when I have the most understanding of it. I think when my consciousness isn't in the way I grok it more. When my mind is at its most basic I understand better. It doesn’t decay for some reason like others. It just sits there. It makes my brain more massive each day. The weight has not increased. That is odd. Gravity should be a factor as the mass increases. My head is constantly fuller but never grows. I think other particles have a tendency to seek out the alpha particle.

I saw the doctor. He sees nothing wrong. I tell him I know something is different. He asks, "What is the matter?" I say, "Everything is the matter." I am afraid he misunderstands. I have the symptoms of multiple ailments. The signs go away within hours then come back. They are never there when the doctors look at me. They come and go quick. The particle remakes me quicker than time unmakes me. The particle remains in balance. It is in balance in me. It isn't that it desires balance. Desire is a conscious thing. It just has a tendency toward balance. It could be brought out of balance if powerful enough forces worked against it. What these forces are that could overcome the creative force behind existence I don't know. It could happen, it could be destroyed.

I have spent life like this. It has been there all along. Is everyone like this? Am I just the only one who realizes it? The particle is endless so this condition is endless. What am I supposed to do? I could end my life but that action is phatic once you know the meaning of existence. The enormity of it all traps me in an inactive state some days. There is no solution to my problem, I am not even sure if I have a problem. I know answers to things that people have dreamed about for eons. I have my own brand new set of questions which plague me. The answers to my questions are bound to have answers as simple as the initial questions. The answers are probably right in front of me.

I have a particle in my head. It is the thing which matters most literally. It isn’t going anywhere. It isn’t doing anything. It is just waiting for everything else that exists to do something. It does not need explanation. It defies the parameters of our understanding. It will stay in my head until my head is no longer mine or a head.


2014 Edward Sullivan

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