And now, the News...

Shoot the Messenger
And now, the News...

The Los Angeles Times, 17 October, 2003

DUCT TAPE VOTED TECHNOLOGY OF THE MILLENIUM UPI) Las Vegas, NV. "Earth Sculptor" Christo has succeeded in erecting a duct tape sculpture across the state. He calls the sculpture, "The Sexual Divide". The name symbolizes the ironic aspect of human sexuality that separates men from women while the tape represents the animalistic gunk that bonds them together. Asked why he chose Nevada, Christo replied, "Nevada is only place you can stick and get stuck in public and is not illegal. Besides, there are not many flies here." * * * (AP) Cape Canaveral, FL. The Space Shuttle Columbia lifted off today with spare parts and components to repair the aging Russian space station Mir. On board were 120 cases of duct tape. A smiling Vladimir Krospotin, commander of the station, was heard to say in broken English, "Da, damn stuff's good for everytink. Hey, who farted?"

The New York Times, 21 April, 2073

ADVERTISING COUP DE GRACE

(UPI) New York - In an astounding advertising coup, top executives at the Toca-Cola Company have announced that they have succeeded in turning the inner solar system into a giant neon sign to plug their famous logo. By parking a large comet in heliosynchronous orbit with a big Toke stencil over its back, the management of Toca-Cola say they have created the first example of "planetary art".

Asked how it all came together, executives replied, "Hell, I guess we just got lucky when we pushed, er, when Mercury fell into the sun. Once that sucker blew, Old Sol just barfed it back up at that comet we had parked up there!"

Environmental and public advocacy groups have lodged a formal protest with the United Nations, but officials say there is little that can be done, except by another giant multinational corporation like Bepsi. Given the billions of casualties Bepsi suffered during the last Corporate World War, no action against Toke is expected.

Ironically, Toke has settled an intellectual property suit brought by the estate of Arthur C. Clarke, for the use of celestial bodies as billboards.

* * * (UPI) Miami, Florida - Miami was blasted yesterday by yet another category 18 hurricane, causing minor damage. City officials credit the lack of damage to the new building codes which require buildings to be on heavily reinforced 100 meter carbon-titanite composite stilts.

In Underwater (previously known as "Key West"), the last particle of land above sea level was completely wiped out. Nearby, the Everglades have been completely swept clean, making room for more prawn farms to be developed by Harsher Daniels Aquaculture.

* * * (AP) Kilauea, Hawaii - The new Keck Solar Observatory has determined that the sun is developing a severe oscillation due to a recent collision with the planet Mercury. Say officials, "Given the rate of increase in the amplitude, we expect the sun'll go nova in 150 years. Plenty of time to dig shelters, say, about 4 klicks deep ..."
Back page, New York Times, August 8th, 2097

END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, WORLD YAWNS

UPI - The American Kennel Club announced the "sick pup" award which will go to the "ugliest, sickest, mangiest mutt on the planet". The purpose of the award is to contrast the sleek grooming and glowing health of the standard dog breeds against your average street mutt. However, it is likely that an AKC dog will take the prize. AKC animals have a mutation rate of 99% due to centuries of inbreeding and recent solar radiation increases. Rumor has it that corrupt AKC officials have been paid to look the other way by the mega-pet store chains and unscrupulous breeders. Asked to comment, an AKC spokesman stated, "We do not take kickbacks for phony papers, licenses, or lineage reports, but we DO take American Express." * * * AP - A large asteroid, about the size of Connecticut, is expected to impact the Pacific Ocean today. With death estimates in the billions due to tidal waves, earthquakes, and a global ice age caused by the subsequent "nuclear winter", the senators who helped to shut down NASA's "Asteroid Deflection Initiative" earlier this century have been hanged by mobs. Noting that most of them are lawyers, some wags have adapted the ancient joke, "Q: What do you call 400,000 lawyers swinging in the breeze? A: A good start..." Other rioters expressed the regret that there just wouldn't be time enough to 'kill 'em all' so God could sort 'em out.

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