The Bouncer
The Bouncer
By Claude Hopper
A Story of the Mare Inebrium
Mare Inebrium Universe created by Dan Hollifield
Every bar has at least one, the Mare Inebrium had one per side-bar as well as the
one for the main room. I mean Bouncers, so called for their ability to eject an unwanted
patron so hard that they bounced off the pavement outside at least twice. Usually, there
was a quick rotation among the Mare's staff of bouncers as each one found the particular
side-bar that he/she/it fit into. After a while, only the new additions were in the rotation-
That is, until Bruce showed up at the Mare one evening with a "seeks employment" form
stamped by the City of Lights Governmental Council. I was there that evening, actually.
I'm from a small, backwards planet out about sixty five lights outarm from Bethdish. I
found my way here by way of a phantom doorway in a bar on my homeworld. A doorway
that shouldn't have been there to start with, but that's another story. I was telling you about
Bruce.
I'd found my way to the Mare about ten years ago, so I'd seen several bouncers
come and go. I'd of never put my money on Bruce when I first set eyes on him, but I'm
telling you, he did have something. I was one table out from the bar when Bruce walked in
and shyly gave his employment papers to Max. Max looked at this little guy, Bruce is only
about five foot eight or so, with short dark hair and intelligent brown eyes. Max looked at
the papers, looked at Bruce some more, seemed to give the matter some furious thought,
and then called over the bouncer on call that evening. Igor was the being on duty, and
Max asked him to tell Bruce about the hazards of the job, just so's he wouldn't have been
going into it blind. Since my guest had left my table about half an hour before, I arose and
strolled casually up to take a barstool close to Bruce and Igor's position. Igor's one of those
heavy-gravity types- he's got muscles in places where most beings don't even have places.
Evidently, Max had told him to describe his job for Bruce. Igor was lost in the gory details
of some grand (to him) combat where's he tosses some troublesome patron out into the
street. From what I overheard, Max had gotten tired of the being's attitude really quickly,
what with his smashing things and yelling "Hulk will SMASH!" until he'd been forced to
call Igor in to smack some sense into the offending patron.
Igor's reactions may be a bit slow sometimes, but he tells a good story. And he's really quite
smart, if you give him time to think instead of just react. He was trying to get across to
Bruce that it might be life-threatening to seek employment at the Mare when some idiot
stumbled out of the "Red Dog" side-bar, smashed a table in the main bar, grabbed a Sak-enjass from off it's seat, and tossed the inoffensive meter and a half crustacean right into
Blanche. Now I've seen Blanche pick up a rowdy Kzin and toss him into a wall, but she was
knocked tail over teakettle from the unexpected impact of the Sak-enjass. Igor stopped
talking and turned to leave the bar, but Max put a hand on his shoulder and held him up.
You see, Bruce had already gone into action.
Bruce was already in motion before the table's splinters had finished flying. The
Czen'thix trooper- that's what Max told me was it's species -was turning to confront the
other patron at the smashed table and Blanche was still in mid-fall, when every eye in the
Mare was suddenly confronted with the image of Bruce sort of appearing out of thin air
next to the drunken Czen'thix. He was that fast.
You could have heard a pin drop as Bruce quietly asked, "What was that?"
The trooper roared and took a wild swing a Bruce- who ducked under the massive
swinging fist as if his body were made of rubber.
"That is no way to behave in pubwic," Bruce said gently. The Czen'thix threw several more wild punches and followed that up with a leg-sweep. Bruce easily avoided each
movement with a liquid grace that was a joy to watch. As Blanche regained her feet- with
blood in her eye, I might add -Bruce turned and gave her a quick bow from the waist, then
slapped the trooper with the back of his hand. It sounded like a pistol shot- and everyone
in the bar could hear Bruce tell the trooper "I think that you owe the lady an appowogy,
brwute. And these tables, they awen't cheap, you know?"
In reply, the drunken Czen'thix simply reached out for Bruce with both long,
muscular, claw-tipped arms. I thought that Bruce was a goner. I know everyone else in that
silent crowd thought so too... Except maybe for Max.
Bruce moved.
OK, that's kinda like the statement "I dropped the atom bomb and it went off," but
when I say the little dude moved, I mean he moved!
Bruce seemed to move in slow motion, but he reached for one of the descending arms, grasped it, pivoted to put his shoulder underneath the drunken trooper, then
heaved so hard I could see his arm muscles cord up like bunches of piano wire.
The trooper was ripped from the ground and sailed across the room to impact the far wall. At about that time, a sparkley circle appeared in the air and the Reever stepped from out of it. Max later told me he'd called as soon as the drunk had started on his rampage. In less time than it takes to tell, the Reever had the trooper in restraints and his deputies were escorting it back to it's ship. They'd collect a hefty fine from the trooper's superiors before they let it's ship lift. Blanche was all right, and the crustacean that she'd been hit with was recovering nicely. Now all that was left was to decide whether or not Bruce got to join the Bouncer's staff at the Mare. Me? I never had any doubt. Bruce was added to the permanent staff that night. To hear Blanche tell it, she later gave Bruce some type of reward for coming to her rescue- but I gotta take her word for it. Bruce is too much of a gentleman to talk about such things.
So that's why since that day, if you like getting drunk and starting fights, it'd be a
whole lot healthier for you to avoid the Mare Inebrium and just go to some other bar.
Otherwise, Max might ask Bruce to teach you some manners... And Bruce gets
serious about good manners.
The End
By Claude Hopper
Copyright 2000 by Claude Hopper
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