
Long Fiction Editor
Posts: 2642
Joined: January 11, 2010, 12:03:56 AM
Location: by the time you read this, I'll be somewhere else
The Pursuit of Happiness . . . by Dan Holifield
One of the first things that caught my attention was the fan-fic name-dropping. 'Fox' and 'Dana' were bad enough, but it kept happening, with 'John Carter' and 'Engineer Scott.' Sorry, but I have to subtract points for that, especially when it happened more than once. Oh, yeah, there were the Martians, too, and the Enterprise -- and maybe one or more others I didn't recognize . . . all right, I realize this is supposed to be an alternate reality sort of thing, but -- really -- ! Way too much borrowing and referencing going on.
Or did I miss something? Was it really supposed to be tongue-in-cheek? Maybe it was; after all, the author did use his own screen-name as a character.
I also thought that there was too much expository dialog, especially in the beginning; it got dangerously close to "As we all know . . . " Sometimes that trick is necessary in very short fiction, but to me, it has no place in a novel, where you can stretch out and take your time revealing background information.
I thought the dialog was too melodramatic. Maybe it's supposed to be; I'm not very familiar with the genre. Still, Victorian era aside, I can not believe that people ever actually talked like that outside of courtrooms and bank offices. And the bridge crew seemed to spend a lot of time overexcitedly praising each others' accomplishments. Things like that need to be balanced out, by someone saying, "Indeed, my good fellow, but don't you remember what happened in that bar on our last shore leave? We'll never be allowed in there again!"
I liked some of the details of the ship and the other technical gizmos, but there weren't enough (for example, what are the 'Specials'? I want to know!), and some of them are a little silly, like the steam-powered wheelchair, suffocating its user with combustion fumes. (Okay, it's steam-punk.)
The battle scene was kinda fun, but I thought it seemed to be over too quickly; should have been stretched out some more. And, the good guys should lose someone and take some damage, too. I can't feel sympathy for them if they never get hurt. Nice strategy and tactics, though.
Still and all, I'm intrigued about who might have been behind the nastiness . . . it's someone who stands to gain a boatload of money and power from a war . . . we know all too much about how that works in the here and now, but the mystery remains.
I think I did spot one misplaced bit of punctuation, but other than that, it seemed good technically, and it was easy to read.