When Blood Freezes By Mitch Wyatt

[Vila]

I don't read that much fantasy any more, since my tastes have changed a bit as I've aged. That said, this story was written is a very pleasing style and was a very fun read. I do hope there are more of these adventures. Not only did I wind up wanting to know more about the main characters, but I wanted to learn more about the world they lived is as well. <br>One thing, I didn't get much of a feel of the cottage exterior and surrounding grounds. Everything inside the cottage was fine, but outdoors was a little vague. I hope that helps.<br>Dan<br>

I had problems reading this one. The style was clunky and there were a few grammar errors. The beginning seemed disjointed. Whenever a writer starts a paragraph with Anyway, it's probably a good indication he or she has gone off on a tangent and trying to the story back on track.<br><br>I didn't have any issues with the plot. However, the overall pacing was slow. There was an overabundance of "thinking" which hindered the action. Even the climax was drawn out.<br><br>I think the story idea is sound, but the delivery needs work. Personally, I would shift the perspective from less inside the protagonist's mind to more of a spectator's view of his actions. Sometimes saying less results in a greater impact, an issue that I have with many an established writer.

Yeah, that was about my fourth try at a beginning. I was having major show/tell issues throughout the whole story, because I had an entire world in mind, and I wasn't sure how divulge it in a way that didn't burn words.<br><br>Also, I'm worried that if I back the camera up too far I'll lose some of the personality I worked on for Tal.<br><br>But I know I need a new beginning. Actually, now that I think about it, the incarnation published here has an older version in it of the beginning. I deleted a lot of that superfluous stuff in the beginning "including the 'anyway'. Also I think I fixed those errors. My bad for not changing it when I got the letter back. I tend to work on stories as I get rejection letters.<br><br>Also, good idea about the surrounding woods, I should mention something there.<br><br>And what about the style was "clunky"? You think the 3rd person limited POV didn't work too well? I tried being innovative with the whole "two types of thinking" thing, but I always worried it wasn't really worth it.<br><br>Anyway thanks a lot for reading and everything.<br><br>-Mitch

As usual I'm interjecting w/o having actually finished reading the story. The problem with the beginning is too much telling. Show the readers something. Maybe a demonstration of the magic. At least break up the exposition with some action or open with a conversation that relates some of the same info. Maybe conversation about the fallout from the King's insanity.<br><br>Just a suggestion. I hope to be back with comments after having completed the story.<br><br>Dan E.

I'm back, still not finished. I see this story beginning with the mercs bursting through the door.<br><br>Yes, I know I'm being annoying, but I've been incommunicado for a coupla weeks and need to make up for lost time.<br><br>Dan E.

You're right. I think I can get it down to 2 paragraphs before the action (instead of 2 pages). I feel kind of ashamed I didn't pick up on the show/tell problems earlier.<br><br>Oh well at least everyone is saying the same thing.<br><br>I should really read some of the other stories on here, don't want to take advantage or anything :)<br><br>