Fast Friends by Dan L. Hollifield


Tell us what you thought about the December 2010 issue!

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Post December 20, 2010, 09:37:44 PM

Fast Friends by Dan L. Hollifield

Gotta love a Mare story . . . pull up a chair and order your favorite drink . . . epic adventure.
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?

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Post December 21, 2010, 12:26:51 PM

Ah, what fun to be back in the bar! I've missed the Mare Inebrium. I read the entire back catalogue a couple of years back and enjoyed this one just as much.
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Post December 21, 2010, 09:32:57 PM

Thank you! But I have to ask, am I getting better at them? Someone please critique it!

Dan
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Post December 22, 2010, 07:47:10 AM

I liked it very much, really :D :D ...but, just partly quoting what one of the main characters says, I believe a tenth of the boastings the two tellers told the bar customers about their heroic deeds, too...eh,eh. :lol:

I'm just working on another story myself to be submitted - as it is set in Mare Inebrium Space Bar series you created...eh,eh...-what will it be about?
Well, actually, just as a brief preview..."Did you know that Mare Inebrium bar is haunted...?"...eh,eh :?: :D
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Post December 26, 2010, 05:41:19 PM

Fast Friends

I was reading through this and found myself getting lost in these long paragraphs. Usually, a paragraph should be composed of 4 or five sentences, in deference to the reader... but I let it slide UNTIL paragraph 14. It starts with "This was given to me..." and has the teller of tall tales launching into a story. Were it me - I would have started a new paragraph where it says, "When I first met..." and again "So we each..."
This paragraph, in particular was too long - and really, a majority of the other ones could have been cut in half. Use changes in time or location as an excuse to start a new paragraph.
"I was raised in the 15th house of Raman, when I first became a Gremlon.
"Years later, I remembered that every Ramanian needed a streming for a friend."
I would also recommend breaking up the narration with dialog. Instead of saying, "My name is Andrew Huntington Smythe..." Have someone new extend a hand and ask the narrator what his name is. "We try not to ask names in here, but you look like a good fellow...Andrew Huntington Smythe, at your service." Less telling, more showing.
I found one tiny edit - 3rd paragraph, "The barstool in which I rested..." Really? I guess it's possible, but you probably meant 'on'...
I can't fuss, I had 2 blatant mistakes in a story elsewhere in this month's ezine - oh, well.
Since the house is on fire - at least let us warm ourselves.
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Post December 26, 2010, 08:46:20 PM

Yeah! That is exactly what I meant when I asked for critiques. Thank you!
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Post February 13, 2011, 05:47:20 PM

Re: Fast Friends by Dan L. Hollifield

A pro writer friend from the convention circuit read this one last night. They pointed out that there were some grammar errors. I took another look at it this morning, myself. Why didn't I see all those comma splices when I was polishing the rough draft? :x It makes me wonder what else I'm too close to the story to see...
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Post February 14, 2011, 11:04:32 PM

Re: Fast Friends by Dan L. Hollifield

William Shatner sez ...Commas , Are your friend!

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