Soccer Mom by Vannessa Peterson


Tell us what you think about the June 2014 issue!

Moderator: Editors

User avatar

Editor at Large

Posts: 751

Joined: March 01, 2014, 05:11:50 PM

Location: Just look under your bed

Post June 11, 2014, 01:10:26 PM

Soccer Mom by Vannessa Peterson

The writing is good. The beginning made me think we were follwing the car salesman though. Was the switch in perspective intentional? Also was the title referring to anyhting beyond the obvious attribution of Soccer Moms to drive minivans? Over all I enjoyed it.
Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong. – Neil Gaiman
User avatar

Master Critic

Posts: 1184

Joined: October 06, 2008, 06:53:45 AM

Location: Chantilly VA

Post June 26, 2014, 04:19:00 PM

Re: Soccer Mom by Vannessa Peterson

As has been mentioned to me about some of my flashes, this one was too short for a flash. The switch up didn't follow.

RT
User avatar

Long Fiction Editor

Posts: 2668

Joined: January 11, 2010, 12:03:56 AM

Location: by the time you read this, I'll be somewhere else

Post July 04, 2014, 05:32:17 PM

Re: Soccer Mom by Vannessa Peterson

Watch the POV. Fifth paragraph:
The woman forced her mouth into a straight line to keep from laughing while her beau scratched his head and told himself this guy couldn't be real.
You go from German's POV to that of the customer.

The whole thing profoundly confused me when:
"Lemme show you all the space in the back," said German as he started sliding the door open.
There's more head-hopping, starting with Brandon reading Rhonda's unspoken thought. Then the whole remainder of the story suggests a Rosemary's Baby scenario, with no connection to the car-shopping episode. It's almost like parts of two unrelated stories.
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?

Return to June 2014

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests

cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group.
Designed by STSoftware.