Almost Done by Andrew Saxsma

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Post July 26, 2013, 04:35:37 PM

Almost Done by Andrew Saxsma

I loved this story. Talk about painting a picture - you don't NEED a movie version of this story. I don't read much for enjoyment, but this story is making me rethink that.

What I am struck by the most is the visual painting language from character development to scene description to action description - every visual to be seen and understood, the author brought it to life!

As an example;

"What the hell?" he said, squinting through the blinds. He spread them apart with two fingers to get a better look.

A portly man in a blue sport coat stood in front of Wendy's Cleaners, staring up into Ray's window, right at Ray. He had one hand in his pocket, one wrapped around a briefcase, and a lit cigarette in his mouth. His face was dark, chubby, and blotted out by the night.

He reached up, plucked the cigarette from his lips, flicked the cigarette down a storm drain, then put his hands back into his pockets while he exhaled smoke.

He leaves nothing for the reader to fill in the blanks cause - there are no blanks.

A must read for writers needing descriptive super powers.



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Joined: January 04, 2013, 11:48:08 AM

Post August 19, 2013, 05:54:58 PM

Re: Almost Done by Andrew Saxsma

Agree 100% with Mark...

This is a great little story and a nice example of a fully-wrought, well-executed narrative.

My hat's off to you, Mr. Saxsma. This is good stuff! Good stuff, indeed!
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Post August 20, 2013, 03:59:27 PM

Re: Almost Done by Andrew Saxsma

The first two paragraphs were excellent, but then in the third, Mr. Saxsma broke the fourth wall:
He was tired, so tired. You could see it in his eyes.

There were a few other minor hiccups; for instance,
He reached up, plucked the cigarette from his lips, flicked the cigarette down a storm drain, then put his hands back into his pockets while he exhaled smoke.
The unneeded repetition of "cigarette" wasn't so bad, but I stumbled a little over how the guy got both hands in his pockets while holding the briefcase. Immediately after that, it seemed unwarranted for Ray to get so freaked over the guy outside; Ray's apparent overreaction pulled me out of the story a little. Also, right about here
"Did you knock boots with any of the locals, Ray?" he finally said. "I won't remind you how important it is that you tell me the truth now."
I'm expecting Ray to start asking to see a badge or something. Finally, why a snubby, instead of something less noisy and more accurate?

Picky, picky, picky. I've been a little grouchy lately. Really, though, this story should be used as an example of how to write description, most especially of characters' body language.

The ending was great, too.
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?

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