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Posts: 45
Joined: October 08, 2016, 03:32:33 PM
Don’t Cry for Me, Son by April Coan
No, you can’t beat cancer--or can you? The story flowed well. The dialog was good. I would have liked to know how the grandfather made his money (to further develop the character) and if it was a business that Tim would eventually take over, or how Tim planned to make grandpa proud. Here’s a suggestion for a future story.
A couple of times you repeated forms of words in close proximity.
“The doctor gestured for the boy to follow him down the _hall_. The _hallway_ smelled sterile, like fresh lemon and bleach.”
This could be rewritten something like,
“The doctor gestured for the boy to follow him down a hallway that smelled sterile, like fresh lemon and bleach.”
A couple of times you repeated forms of words in close proximity.
“The doctor gestured for the boy to follow him down the _hall_. The _hallway_ smelled sterile, like fresh lemon and bleach.”
This could be rewritten something like,
“The doctor gestured for the boy to follow him down a hallway that smelled sterile, like fresh lemon and bleach.”
Jim