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Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
I Am Invincible
By:
Herbert Chamberlain
"Chuck, this is Jimmy. Can you show him around?"
"Sure, whatever."
"Your shift starts now. Chuck will fill you in, but DON'T @$#! it up"
The squad leader of branch 27 leaves the two guarding a large steel cage with a thick steel door hinged at the bottom. There is a small opening for depositing food and other items for the prisoner.
"So..." Jimmy says, trying to think of something to chat about.
"Yeah." Chuck responds with a head nod.
"So, what are we guarding?"
"You don't know?"
"No, why?"
"Huh! You really don't know?"
"No." Jimmy opens a can of Campbell's chicken soup, and begins to eat the contents.
"Well, what we are guarding is indestructible, unstoppable, invincible..."
"What? Nothing is invincible." Jimmy continues to drink his cold can of Campbell's.
"Believe what you want to believe. I can tell you that he..." Chuck adamantly points to the steel cage behind Jimmy, "was blown up with C4 charge, a C4 charge that would take down a 10 story building. And guess what?"
"What?"
"Well, a foul smell permeated in the air, but he came charging in and prevented us from getting away with the goods. So, C4 did nothing, NOTHING!"
"A foul smell, huh? Well, maybe he buried it? That would dampen the charge," Jimmy says condescendingly, slurping his soup.
Chuck gives him a sidewards glare. "Ok, you know Ray? Our best sniper?"
"Yeah! Well, I know OF him."
"Well, he was on a job. Ready to take the kill shot. Just then he..." Chuck again points to the steel cage behind Jimmy, "walked in front of the target and, well, the armor piercing round hit him in the eye and shattered. He just looked around like a fly landed on his head."
"Whatever." Jimmy shakes his head in disbelief.
"Rumor has it, when he was a kid he was run over by an 18 wheeler. You know what happened?"
"What do I care?"
"You should. That 18 wheeler turned into an 8 wheeler, and he..." Chuck points once more to the steel cage, "just got up and ran around like he just scored the winning goal. Oh, and by the way, that 18 wheeler was carrying the biggest cache of illegal drugs we have ever acquired. Well, an 18 wheeler really can't really ride with only 8 wheels. So, the cops showed up, and it was over. He just smiled away. Damn, KIDS."
"Kids, huh! Don't like kids?"
"YEAH! I DON'T like kids anymore." Suddenly a loud bang is heard in the cage behind Jimmy. Then another bang. "Damn, he isn't happy. We have to keep him distracted. We have to keep him in here until the job is finished."
"What is he going to do? He is locked up," Jimmy points out. A loud bang echoes around the room.
"Have you not heard a word I have said, you cumquat? Quick! Find something to distract him with!"
"What... like what? A soup can?" Jimmy condescendingly replies.
"Yeah, good IDEA!"
"What?"
Chuck grabs the empty can of soup and throws it in the cage opening. The banging ceases. "Whew! Just a few more minutes, that is all we need." Chuck leans against the door of the cage exhausted by the sudden excitement.
"What is this job anyway?" Jimmy inquirers.
"Well, it is brilliant. Well, actually, it isn't all that brilliant. We are assassinating the owner of the largest diamond on earth, and then we are going to take it. Pretty simple really..." The cage door comes crashing forward crushing Chuck under its weight. Jimmy stares straight into the eyes of the individual held captive. He tries to compose himself, and reaches for his gun.
"BAAA."
Jimmy reaches his gun and empties his 9 bullet clip at the individual standing in front of him. The individual opens his mouth as the bullets fly towards him. He eats the bullets like M&M's. He then begins licking his lips like he just had a delicious snack.
"You must be Maximilian Black?" Jimmy says with a whimper. A large white goat stands in front of Jimmy with a defiant smile.
"BAAAAAAaaaaa."
Maximilian runs off in the direction of the exit. Jimmy stares in utter disbelief.
####
The squad leader of branch 27 grabs a cup of coffee from the break room, and turns on the shared company television. A news anchor appears on the screen.
"We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to report that there has been an assassination attempt on the owner of the largest recorded diamond, Aaron Pains. Luckily for him, Maximilian Black was there. Just in time. Maximilian took two bullets to the lower extremities, but will be just fine. Good old Max, he did get a little carried away, and ate the Diamond." The camera cuts to show Aaron Pains watching Max eat the diamond in one gulp. The camera cuts to a close up of Aaron Pains with a single tear forming in his eye. The camera cuts back to the anchor "We can only assume this was Max's way of protecting it from illegal hands." The television shot changes from the anchor to Maximilian licking his lips. Then appearing very pleased with himself, he smiles.
"BAAAaaaaa."
"Well, Mr. Pains will get that diamond back in a couple days. It won't be that painful, Mr. Pains, ha, ha, ha. Max is the one that just ate the largest diamond on earth. I now return you to our regularly scheduled program. This is Kirk Flatamer for WOCQ.
The squad leader finishes watching the news report, and he tries to comprehend what he just saw. The reality hits him like a ton of bricks. He loses control of his coffee, and it hits the ground.
"JIMMY!!!"
The End