Shalahlielle by John T. Bien

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Post November 29, 2011, 08:06:12 AM

Shalahlielle by John T. Bien

It was well written, and sucked me in on who Shalah really was. Characterization was ok, I personally felt the narrator needed to come to life more. Being a musician, and his respect for nature told a little about him, but he needed a pinch more of personality or background IMO. It also would have been more interesting to have further conflict with the police, since she was staying with him. I thought it was going to go there. It would have given more conflict and added some more interesting twists to the principal characters' relationship.

There's my two cents anyways.
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Post November 29, 2011, 04:34:34 PM

Re: Shalahlielle by John T. Bien

I didn't much care for this one, due to the overt environmental preachiness of it. Sermons turn me off fast, and I'll bet I'm not the only one who feels that way.

I also thought that something different was likely as to the police investigations -- a big plot hole there.
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Post December 05, 2011, 05:06:57 PM

Re: Shalahlielle by John T. Bien

Wait a minute, this story seems familiar. Is this the original story behind Nell? I loved that movie. Jody Foster and all that. A woman is brought to civilization after spending her life in the wilds.
"I found you," she said, a short pause between words as though she had to think before speaking each one.
"Stop hurting the forest. My home."
"You live in the woods?"
"Yes. I protect it from humans, from the destroyers."
Perhaps I spoke to soon. The following paragraphs sound like…let me see now…
"I went out into the world against the will of my family. It was horrifying -- and exciting. I met a human and fell in love. He loved me too, but did not believe the tales I told him of my home. He wanted to meet my family. He wanted me to stay with him. Marriage he called it. It was not the way of my people, but it seemed good to me.
"I took him to my home." She collapsed onto the couch. Tears fell. She trembled and pulled away when he reached for her.
"The law was broken! Outsiders were forbidden knowledge of our homeland. No exceptions. My friend, lover, was sentenced to death by the council.
Wait! Wait! I know this one – Avatar! I loved that movie. No, no – Pocahontas – the cartoon version.
He squeezed Shalah's trembling shoulders. "You began your work in the forest near my house, but there is more we can do, and this is the place to do it. Whatever it takes, we will see that your people can return to their rightful home."
It would help that his music gave him both money and an audience for the message they would try to convey to the world. If he could persuade a few people, people with influence and power of their own, the message would spread. And maybe together, they could turn things around.
For Shalah -- and for the generations to come -- he had to try.
Of course! How could I have been so blind! – this is from the movie Dances With Wolves – when he takes his story of his life among the Native Americans to Washington DC, hoping to bring change and reclaim the wilderness for those who know how to keep it safe.
"Come on, let's get you into the house. I'll get you something to wear."
Something warm and sticky flowed onto his arm -- blood.
She struggled against him as they approached the front door, but lacked the strength to free herself.
He whispered calming words and felt her relax against him, though her eyes darted nervously, searching, as they entered his home.
Chris walked her to a couch, got her seated and rushed off to get a pan of warm, soapy water, a washcloth and a towel. Gently he washed her, cleaning the wound on her back and pulling it together with half a dozen butterfly bandages. He wrapped her in his bathrobe before getting her something to eat.
Lady in the Water. I see where I went wrong now. I loved that movie. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan and starring Paul Giamatti.
What? This is supposed to be an original story? But it’s the same tired, preachy story Hollywood has been pitching for the last forty years. Could we send this one back, please, and have something with an original plot instead?
Since the house is on fire - at least let us warm ourselves.
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Post December 05, 2011, 05:33:50 PM

Re: Shalahlielle by John T. Bien

bottomdweller wrote:...What? This is supposed to be an original story? But it’s the same tired, preachy story Hollywood has been pitching for the last forty years. Could we send this one back, please, and have something with an original plot instead?

Ooooo. Somebody is just asking for a snarky deconstruction of her next story (or one of her previous stories)... As editor, I try to refrain from such things, but I'm sure we can find some volunteers. Bueller? Bueller?
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

Jack London (1876-1916)

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