bottomdweller wrote:It's been stated as a good rule for editing your own writing, to go back through and take out 1/3 of the words - to make the story as clean as possible. I have a big problem with the word 'that' in my spoken language and my stories - so I really try to be cautious not to use THAT word too many times, too closely together.
Overall, the thing I did not like about the story is that it is not really a story as much as a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I saw exactly this scenerio, in fact, in a 1940s Bugs Bunny cartoon. The only thing that was left out in this story were the tribesmen in black-face that kept peeking out of their row of huts.
Thanks for the kind words.
The technique of removing 1/3 of the words to clean up a story, making it tighter was something I haven't heard before and will give it some thought in the future.
I had not seen the Bugs Bunny cartoon you mentioned and wondered if the tribesmen sneezed themselves to death at the end. If so, that would be eery.
The story was in fact a light hearted spoof of the old type travel programs like Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom and was actually meant to be cartoonish and bafoonish, more like a cartoon than a serious story. It was meant to just have fun with the stupidity of the character and show how these kind of people always seems to land on their feet while wreaking havoc with those around them.
As far as the language and the correctness of the grammer, I wasn't caring at the time and didn't reread it a dozen times like I normally would to tighten the languauge, I just thought it was funny and released it thinking others would think so as well.
It may have struck you as lame, because it was the second in a row of this kind of story. Also, the Marilyn story was more dark tragic humor which was based in reality, while this story was just plain bafoonery.
I hope I will be able to pick up your spirits with the Halloween story I mentioned in the previous post. I intend it to be the most serious natured story I have ever written.
Dan Edelman had said in a Marilyn story post that he would have liked to see that story with a more serious ending and so through conversations afterwards, we devised a personal challenge between ourselves to write the most horrific story we are each able to write and this offering may be more to your liking. I hope it is.
You said you write, how do I find your written works? Are there any on Aphelion or on other sites I can access? Let me know.
And thanks for your sincere observations which I will take to heart.
Mark