stu wrote:It's a fun idea, but I do have a couple of small (ish) suggestions.
1- Possibly it shorter needs to be.
2- As the above shows, messing around with the word order makes you sound like Yoda. Please, please promise me you'll never do it again to hit a rhyme. (I'm thinking particularly of 'I did a loan application make')
I think the bigger difference is that people speak to each other in "prose", but complex word phrasings have been a tradition in poetry for centuries.
Completely at random I selected my volume of Keats from my reference shelf. Even further at random I stopped at the poem titled "fragment of the Castle Builder": (The title character begins speaking:)
In short, convince you that however wise
You may have grown from convenient libraries,
I have, by many yards at least, been carding
A longer skein of wit in Convent Garden.