Page 1 of 1

Death Valley by Ariana Rodrigues

PostPosted: May 20, 2012, 08:51:17 PM
by Lester Curtis
Mostly typical zombie fare, but very well written. I didn't notice a single technical error.

Scary, too.

I liked the fact that the two uninfected people didn't both make it to safety, though I felt bad about it. Esme, after all, is the one character that we actually get to know, and she was very well portrayed. But, hey, that's what the end of the world is all about.

Excellent job.

Re: Death Valley by Ariana Rodrigues

PostPosted: May 29, 2012, 07:41:39 PM
by Asura
I thought this was a pretty good story! Very typical, popcorn zombie fare, but it had all the right flavor and was tightly executed. The ending was a bit unconventional - the guy surviving while Esme died felt a bit strange, since we got to know her so well and him so little. But overall, very fun.

Re: Death Valley by Ariana Rodrigues

PostPosted: May 29, 2012, 09:15:44 PM
by Lester Curtis
Well, welcome to the forum, Asura. While you're here, I would hope that you would vote in the Flash challenge (and I'm not alone in hoping that).

Stick around and enjoy the forums!

Re: Death Valley by Ariana Rodrigues

PostPosted: June 02, 2012, 05:19:34 PM
by Zorro
http://www.aphelion-webzine.com/shorts/2012/05/DeathValley.html

Very good job, very gripping story.

One suggestion is to make the setting more vivid. I can only guess where the opening battle took place. The second scene (indicated by ###) erupts into a long conversation that seems to occur nowhere in particular. I waited in vain for snatch of description to snap things into focus. Since I am not always an attentive reader, I thought perhaps I had missed something, so I went back and reread the scene from the beginning, but it was not there.

Make the reader see and feel the place. It is a bit distracting when people are talking in limbo, unless they really are in limbo. One line of description would do a lot to smooth the way for the reader.

The action is very well presented. The flashback to the dorm room scene is excellent.

The ending is not only sad, but it includes a switch from one viewpoint character to another. It might have been better to let Kelso be the viewpoint character from the beginning, since he is the one who survives.

Excellent Review

PostPosted: June 02, 2012, 06:33:00 PM
by Mark Edgemon
Zorro wrote:http://www.aphelion-webzine.com/shorts/2012/05/DeathValley.html

Very good job, very gripping story.

One suggestion is to make the setting more vivid. I can only guess where the opening battle took place. The second scene (indicated by ###) erupts into a long conversation that seems to occur nowhere in particular. I waited in vain for snatch of description to snap things into focus. Since I am not always an attentive reader, I thought perhaps I had missed something, so I went back and reread the scene from the beginning, but it was not there.

Make the reader see and feel the place. It is a bit distracting when people are talking in limbo, unless they really are in limbo. One line of description would do a lot to smooth the way for the reader.

The action is very well presented. The flashback to the dorm room scene is excellent.

The ending is not only sad, but it includes a switch from one viewpoint character to another. It might have been better to let Kelso be the viewpoint character from the beginning, since he is the one who survives.

An excellent review!

You know how to encourage even in your instructions on how to make the story better. I'm impressed!

Zorro left his mark!!! 8)

Re: Death Valley by Ariana Rodrigues

PostPosted: June 07, 2012, 02:46:48 AM
by Iskoday
excellent story. It really sucked me in. No new ground broke for zombs, but the description and characterization made it great. The combat scenes were bloody and terrifying, and you captured the hopelessness of mere survival very well. The ending was appropriately tragic and was the perfect finishing touch on portraying the atmosphere of this tale. :D

Re: Death Valley by Ariana Rodrigues

PostPosted: June 07, 2012, 02:16:06 PM
by bottomdweller
I'm with Zorro - this needs more scenary than just wrecked cars and stacks of bodies. I'd like to explore a once tranquil valley with a stream flowing through it with zombie limbs circling in a current's eddy - if the author is from a small town. Bring your environment with you into a world filled with zombies. The story is okay as it is, but it only has the action parts - not the setting or the social or the historical parts that make a story meaningful. Set it in a jungle, the artic, a city, a slum, a country club, a village, the wild west, anything is better than nothing.
PS - I REALLY liked the last line, and I don't usually say that. The circle of life, yeah.

Re: Death Valley by Ariana Rodrigues

PostPosted: June 07, 2012, 04:33:04 PM
by Mark Edgemon
bottomdweller wrote:Bring your environment with you into a world filled with zombies....Set it in a jungle, the artic, a city, a slum, a country club, a village, the wild west, anything is better than nothing.

Set it in a large religious cathedral with hundreds of brain dead zombies in attendance...or would anybody notice :?:

The AMA (Anti-living Medical Association recommends that zombies should partake of brain food at least twice a day (or night).

Re: Death Valley by Ariana Rodrigues

PostPosted: June 07, 2012, 09:11:41 PM
by Lester Curtis
Set it in a large religious cathedral (or in a football stadium, or in a political rally) with hundreds of brain dead zombies in attendance...or would anybody notice :?:
There, Mark -- fixed it for ya.

Minds Are a Terrible Thing To Waste (With Gravy)

PostPosted: June 07, 2012, 10:13:55 PM
by Mark Edgemon
Lester Curtis wrote:
Set it in a large religious cathedral (or in a football stadium, or in a political rally) with hundreds of brain dead zombies in attendance...or would anybody notice :?:
There, Mark -- fixed it for ya.

Thanks, it occured to me after the fact that religious institutions are filled with people who have "already" had their brains eaten. I'm just a silly wabbit! :wink:

Re: Minds Are a Terrible Thing To Waste (With Gravy)

PostPosted: June 11, 2012, 07:06:40 PM
by Iskoday
Mark Edgemon wrote:[
Thanks, it occured to me after the fact that religious institutions are filled with people who have "already" had their brains eaten. I'm just a silly wabbit! :wink:


HAHAHAHAHA!