Ryan's World by David Garlock


Tell us what you thought about the March 2011 issue!

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Post March 23, 2011, 11:48:18 PM

Ryan's World by David Garlock

Are we real? Or do we just think we are?

Maybe we're all just characters in an elaborate video production . . .

I have had the experience of my characters taking on lives of their own . . . trouble is, none of them ever get to see me yelling at them about straying from my intended story line . . . neither do they ever find secret passageways into other stories I've written.
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?

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Post April 01, 2011, 02:52:24 PM

Re: Ryan's World by David Garlock

The intro could have been crafted better in order to grab the reader’s attention immediately. That type of intro works best for short story writing. We want to get the reader ‘hooked’ as soon as possible.

Some of the dialogue lacked life. And some I though rather good. For example the dialogue "Yes, Mary is a very nice girl. I'm really looking forward to the dance. It will be a lot of fun." is so stop and go and not like how a young person would talk. A young guy would be more like, “Yeah, Mary’s all right. That dance’s going the be one ‘hell’ of a good one. -----Sorry Mom.”

We want to show through a young person’s eyes how things really are. Unless we want to emphasis the emphatic with expression like ‘That-will-never-be! Do-you-get-the-picture.’

But in all honesty after re-reading that setting, the original dialogue just might be the right one for that scene. Ryan is not really real! He lives in a data-base, so to speak, and perhaps the dialogue is just foreshadowing.

Very good story-line and one that can be re-worked over and over again without the theme becoming diluted or too trite. Humans in a computer’s circuits are here to stay.

I though most of the writing good, clear and easy to follow with nice flowing sentences. Nothing abrupt or diverging so far from the theme that a re-read is needed. Stories should be entertaining from beginning to end. This one meets that criteria.

Good one. :D
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