Neko by Richard Tornello


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Post January 06, 2011, 10:33:16 PM

Neko by Richard Tornello

Not too bad for a swords-and-sorcery tale, but it seems incomplete . . . where is the rest?
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Post January 06, 2011, 11:45:20 PM

neko

Later maybe, I have to be in the right frame of mind to continue. As I mentioned in the past, I don't particularly like clean endings. I like ,more of the what if.

However if people really do enjoy the story I have additional lines. Otherwise it's a short story, a slice of time and a place, like life, never complete.

RT
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Post January 09, 2011, 03:38:03 AM

With a cool head Neko draws her sword. Then faster than his eye can follow, she leaps to the nearest building. She rebounds off a wall and spins into a tight ball to gain momentum. This gives her speed and power beyond what her small size promises. Her sword finishes the rest of the discussion, shearing through sword, armor, flesh and bone like a scythe through straw.

Someone's been watching too much Anime!
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Post January 09, 2011, 05:43:32 PM

Too much anime

"Someone's been watching too much Anime!"

Thanks for the complement, I think it was.

I hardly ever watch it.

First for the record, NEKO was a rejected FLASH.
I wrote it as I do many of the stories. I become the characters and I let that life be that life. I don't have a better way to describe it. The story takes on its own persona.

Then the editing. As Robert will attest, I'm pretty bad. He's pointed out some consistent issues, and with that I will be working on lessening his load. (thank you, BTW)

I thought about ANIME and other animation productions after it was completed. And any animation, or past story, and life has to have an effect on the writer. So you do have a point.

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Post January 26, 2011, 08:29:42 PM

Who is Neko

Who is that girl Neko? She's got that sword and the birthmark of nobility. So she might be heiress to a throne. Not that we now there ever was a throne. Or she might be the third daughter of the royal sword bearer and grandnice to the queen. No that we know there ever were such persons. So who is she? After having read the sory, I can't answer that.

But do we need an answer? Probably not. Would we like to know? Erverybody answer that for themselves.

About midstory we find the paragraph

"Neko is oblivious of her resemblance to the old royal line, of the fair and just world that had existed. But the Sorceress knows and uses Neko as a badge of legitimacy enhancing her stature."

At that point the reader knows - not all there is to know about who is Neko, but about all the story is goint to reveal. Neko ostensibly kowing less than the reader keeps on asking 'Who am I?'. And as the reader cannot answer that questiion, its constant repetition is bound to catch a reader's interest. Not answering that question in the end after drawing that much attention might quite well lead to a feeling about the story of

Lester Curtis wrote:- but it seems incomplete . . .

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Post January 27, 2011, 09:29:29 PM

Neko

I may want to continue this story later.
I wanted to see if the readers liked it.
I certainly enjoyed writing it.

Stories as in life don't always end completed and wrapped up.

Thanks.

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Post January 28, 2011, 02:08:51 PM

incomplete

rick tornello wrote: Stories as in life don't always end completed and wrapped up.


Thing is, the story covers the years Neko spent with the Sorceress, which should be a natural enough narrative period. Also it contains a proper showdown at the end. Both things should work in favour of the story feeling 'wrapped up'. As it seems, I am not the only person to whom it doesn't. And I was wondering why. The topic of 'Who am I?' is just an attempt at a partial answer.

But reading
rick tornello wrote:I may want to continue this story later.
I wanted to see if the readers liked it.
I certainly enjoyed writing it.

Stories as in life don't always end completed and wrapped up.

Thanks.

RT

possibly the story was meant to feel incomplete in which case

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Post January 29, 2011, 10:56:21 AM

Neko

Would it be fair To Robert who worked hard on the editing If I posted a new ending?

I have been working on this since all your comments.

Robert, please, you tell me if you think it's okay and within the bounds of proper editor- writer-reader etiquette. If so I will.

RT
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Post January 29, 2011, 12:11:01 PM

Re: Neko

rick tornello wrote:Would it be fair To Robert who worked hard on the editing If I posted a new ending?

I have been working on this since all your comments.

Robert, please, you tell me if you think it's okay and within the bounds of proper editor- writer-reader etiquette. If so I will.

RT


Your story, your choice. Did you want to post it here in the forum, or provide a link in the index or in the story file to the alternate version? (The latter choices will take a bit longer, since I am away from the machine with the relevant files.) Is your new ending intended to close things off for those who like a clearly-self-contained stories?
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Post January 29, 2011, 12:29:31 PM

Neko

It closed the ending for those that like it. I have an ending A and now ending B (rough) :

"Kill the Man-child," the Sorceress says. "I saw him with Neko in my scrying mirror. If she discovers her real name -- and his -- we are doomed. They are both of the royal line. I kept her alive because she gives me the legitimacy to rule. The folk would never rise against me with her at my side. I had no idea about him. How did he stay hidden? I see all."

The troll nods and picks up a weapon among the assortment the sorceress has laid out.

"No, use these and leave them in this house." She points to one house on the map. “I now know where he lives that traitor. They have been stirring up trouble. The evidence you leave will end that issue."

Neko's eyes narrow and her lips draw back from her teeth; her hands grip the hilt of her sword, and the claw-blade emerges.

The hidden door bursts open and Neko emerges like a whirling shuriken blade, the sword a shadowy blur in her hands.The troll died instantly without a sound.

The sorceress would be next.

She sits in her chair waiting for Neko. "Yes, I knew it could come to this. I was hoping for a different ending. I am sorry dear Neko, but your time is up. I will rule without you. The masses are but sheep and fodder. They will bow to power. What a waste of energy and life."

"Before I die, tell me who I am. I must know. I have that right!"
"You're stalling. I will tell you that you are more than you can imagine. Your pigmentation and wakizashi affirm that.”

Neko says something that has been in the back of her mind but unarticulated. It was a recent epiphany. “Your tattoos were your attempt to match my colors, weren’t they? I have something you want, more than need.”

The Sorceress is taken off guard.

Neko continues, “It may have worked in the beginning. But the color couldn’t hold against the being your truly are. The colors ran. Mine are pure and don’t run. Why you kept me alive all these years is beyond me. You really didn’t need me. You had the power. It was something else wasn’t it?”

The Sorceress is in shock. She screams,“Where did you get that information? Those time I couldn’t locate you where were you?”

“Reading dear ruler, reading. I can do that.”

“You have really sealed your death warrant. I will tell you my dear are the result of a mating between a God and a human. Only such creatures have that coloration. Your wakizachi holds a clue to your birth origins. Those cranes are sacred to one greater than I am. She is shaking with rage .

Getting control of herself the Sorceress states, “But my little Neko, you are standing on the exact spot you should be. In a few seconds you will be plunging to your death just like the rest of your ancient family."

"You killed them?"

"Not all. Obviously. You exist." She thinks of the other one -- 'Man-child', somehow hidden from her sorcery until this day.

“But I too exist,” says a voice.

Man-child steps out from the same spot Neko emerged from earlier.

“I followed you.” he says to Neko not taking his eyes off the Sorceress and continues.

To the Sorceress he states, “I have the sign of the Owl on my weapon.” It’s a multi-shot crossbow made from the same material as Neko’s. It is a gift from the Gods. My Mother is one you know too and a favorite of her father. I know all that.

“Do you remember the huntsman you had search and kill any that looked as our kind, all those years back?” The youth asks this with vengeance. “He couldn’t bring himself to do what you had commanded. He told me the whole story when I was younger. He explained the symbol on my weapon. He like you couldn’t lift it without my touch. He hid me and a scroll with his family. He mentioned Neko. I’ve watched her for years.”

“I killed him for disloyalty years ago,” declared the Sorceress.

Man-child continues, “Yes I know, and we both know Neko is the daughter of my Mother’s father thus the Crane and Swan. What you never noticed were the lightning bolts engraved in the sword guard. That would have said it all.”

Neko is taking this all in while slowly inching off the trap door toward the Sorceress. Her wakizachi is not lifted high in her formal attack mode, but low. This was a new tactic she picked up fighting the giant warrior some time ago. He didn’t expect that either.

The blade sweeps up in a short arc as she leaps off the trap door.

The Sorceress who has been hypnotized by this youth turns too late. The blade of one thought does its duty.

Tiapan venom-dipped darts, fired in quick succession, pierces the body of the Sorceress.

"This... I never ... She still had the nerve connections to hit the switch.

The calico youth, holding a semi-automatic crossbow made of the same metal as Neko's sword in one hand, grabs Neko's arm with the other and pulls her away from the maw of the trap door as it drops away.

"Lady Neko, we do meet again," he says, bowing. "As you foretold.
“My name is Tigris."
THE END
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Post January 29, 2011, 07:57:44 PM

Great, Rick, thanks. Now I can't wait for the sequel.
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Post February 01, 2011, 12:52:18 PM

Lester Curtis wrote:Great, Rick, thanks. Now I can't wait for the sequel.

Also good to see that girl no longer standing, staring, stalling but stealthily stepping then strongly striking.

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Post February 01, 2011, 01:49:46 PM

Neko

I expanded it a bit more on my website. I like that girl-goddess

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Post February 01, 2011, 02:06:03 PM

Neko

Too you all:

BTW I want to express my appreciation for your comments. It made a difference and a loss of sleep, (thank you very much).

It's the critiques like yours (all of you and a few others not in the forum) that assist the writer grow.

I had to think about what you all said.

So, I sat down and became Neko again.
Writing allows for those affected with a multipersonality to shine.

We all thank you.

RT, chairman

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