Page 1 of 1

Fast Friends by Dan L. Hollifield

PostPosted: December 20, 2010, 09:37:44 PM
by Lester Curtis
Gotta love a Mare story . . . pull up a chair and order your favorite drink . . . epic adventure.

PostPosted: December 21, 2010, 12:26:51 PM
by GDJ
Ah, what fun to be back in the bar! I've missed the Mare Inebrium. I read the entire back catalogue a couple of years back and enjoyed this one just as much.

PostPosted: December 21, 2010, 09:32:57 PM
by Vila
Thank you! But I have to ask, am I getting better at them? Someone please critique it!


PostPosted: December 22, 2010, 07:47:10 AM
by ente per ente
I liked it very much, really :D :D ...but, just partly quoting what one of the main characters says, I believe a tenth of the boastings the two tellers told the bar customers about their heroic deeds,,eh. :lol:

I'm just working on another story myself to be submitted - as it is set in Mare Inebrium Space Bar series you,eh...-what will it be about?
Well, actually, just as a brief preview..."Did you know that Mare Inebrium bar is haunted...?",eh :?: :D

Fast Friends

PostPosted: December 26, 2010, 05:41:19 PM
by bottomdweller
I was reading through this and found myself getting lost in these long paragraphs. Usually, a paragraph should be composed of 4 or five sentences, in deference to the reader... but I let it slide UNTIL paragraph 14. It starts with "This was given to me..." and has the teller of tall tales launching into a story. Were it me - I would have started a new paragraph where it says, "When I first met..." and again "So we each..."
This paragraph, in particular was too long - and really, a majority of the other ones could have been cut in half. Use changes in time or location as an excuse to start a new paragraph.
"I was raised in the 15th house of Raman, when I first became a Gremlon.
"Years later, I remembered that every Ramanian needed a streming for a friend."
I would also recommend breaking up the narration with dialog. Instead of saying, "My name is Andrew Huntington Smythe..." Have someone new extend a hand and ask the narrator what his name is. "We try not to ask names in here, but you look like a good fellow...Andrew Huntington Smythe, at your service." Less telling, more showing.
I found one tiny edit - 3rd paragraph, "The barstool in which I rested..." Really? I guess it's possible, but you probably meant 'on'...
I can't fuss, I had 2 blatant mistakes in a story elsewhere in this month's ezine - oh, well.

PostPosted: December 26, 2010, 08:46:20 PM
by Vila
Yeah! That is exactly what I meant when I asked for critiques. Thank you!

Re: Fast Friends by Dan L. Hollifield

PostPosted: February 13, 2011, 05:47:20 PM
by Vila
A pro writer friend from the convention circuit read this one last night. They pointed out that there were some grammar errors. I took another look at it this morning, myself. Why didn't I see all those comma splices when I was polishing the rough draft? :x It makes me wonder what else I'm too close to the story to see...

Re: Fast Friends by Dan L. Hollifield

PostPosted: February 14, 2011, 11:04:32 PM
by TaoPhoenix
William Shatner sez ...Commas , Are your friend!