Voyages of the Earth Ship Horus


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Post July 10, 2007, 11:17:35 AM

Voyages of the Earth Ship Horus

No Prime Directive here, except to stay one step ahead of the creditors while eking out a living by carrying goods between the scattered worlds, legally -- or not. And along the way, if some situations just can't be ignored ...

Some ships and crews just can't stay out of trouble. This one doesn't even try very hard.

Robert M.
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Post July 27, 2007, 01:33:47 PM

Re: Voyages of the Earth Ship Horus

I think there is strong potential in this group of miscreant spacers. Vastly different folks thrown together in a common goal: make a living in the not-so-glorious stars. Firefly proved that works, but this is no Firefly--at least not yet.

I thought two things were big weaknesses: character motivation and risk.

Plato wanted to keep his bucket running and to keep his crew safe. He wanted real coffee and some food. Eventually, he really wanted a beer. All of these things are good traits in a captain and were to his credit.

However, if that was what he wanted out of life, then why get embroiled in a civil war? Where was the profit in that? After escaping they didn't just run for it. They helped the rebels control the ship. Then, after the child is returned, they helped sack the capital & take control of the computer. That didn't fit Plato as he was portrayed. He needed something in his character makeup that showed a sense of decency or nobility. Honestly, though, if his final goal was a beer, I thought it might have been funny if he had asked for beer every time he met a new level of official.

His giantess officer who was supposed to have the giant intellect never acted smart, only strong. What made her tick? The psychic that controlled everyone's mind--why did this person settle for Plato & his ship? Seems like with all that power it would have been easy for Xao to do whatever he wanted in life. And why did the cat ladies want to raise a 'mini'-Plato?

Characters should act in ways true to their nature and drives, or we should know why they aren't doing so. Also, they needed flaws to feel like real people.


Secondly, these guys go through the baddies like a hot knife through butter. They need more risk. Risk is what makes it compelling--that thought that they might not make it or succeed. This story didn't have that. Xao is waaay to powerful. The giant lady is too strong. Plato is too lucky. The cats are too good at fighting. I never once feared for any of them.

Again, there's good stuff here, but if this is the start of a series, then I think some adjustments need to be made.

Nate
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Post August 02, 2007, 06:13:06 AM

Re: Voyages of the Earth Ship Horus

I am grateful for the suggestions to improve my writing style. In fact, some of your concerns are addressed in the second installment, Gangsters. I want to reveal individual characters in stories related to different situations. I did not want to add anything not a part of the story. I believe it's called "killing your little darlins". Still, I will work on motivation and character reaction within the context of the story. I'm in the middle of episode three in which we will see more of the reasons why Xao is with the crew of the Horus. Gangsters profiles the kitty sisters and puts the crew in much more danger than in La Miria. Captain Plato has female problems. Molly, the moral center of the crew, has anger management problems. The skills of the navagator is more evident in the third installment.

I hope that the next installment is a little better than the first. I look forward to comments once it appears on the webzine.

Mike

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