Jenny Ogiwara & the AntiFems by Gary W. Feather


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Post August 20, 2010, 08:45:51 PM

Jenny Ogiwara & the AntiFems by Gary W. Feather

The tagline for this space fantasy is, "As always the job was harder than the brass expected." Please! - this whole story was as predictable as 'National Treasure II' (I forget the exact title, as most of America did).
"Jenny woke up in a room. She was naked and chained..." yeah, predictable, but at least the dude looks like a lady angle was refreshing - spelled LOLA Lola.
Is there a camera in the holding cell? (seems like a pretty normal thing to have in a holding cell...we even have them now.)
Does Lola escape easily? Is her captor taken by surprise?
Why does the robot behave as he does - he is made out of metal, after all? Why do the Fems have armor, but the AntiFems don't?
"Danforth said with a sheepish shrug. She made no attempt to hide her nakedness, the gals shared a communal shower - " Come on, can't we do better than this? - Yeah, I know Bill: How much better can a guy do than naked girls in a communal shower.
Does the elevator refuse to move because it doesn't recognize Jenny's voice? In the final 'battle' - does the other team have armor (or armour in Britty)? Does it all come to a head in a shooting gallery scene?
Does one fem get its revenge by using its rifle butt? - please, How 20th century of you.
I kept reading and reading thinking that, sooner or later, I would find something I liked and I did. I liked the last sentence. Honestly - I thought it was LOL funny.
[/spoiler]
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Post August 20, 2010, 10:10:42 PM

See also:

http://www.aphelion-webzine.com/forum/v ... php?t=1961

. . . and by the way, Mr. Feather never did answer my last question in that thread . . .
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Post August 22, 2010, 05:14:53 PM

Yin confederacy

Sorry about starting another tag. I look for the title and author - and if I don't find one, well, I start one.
As far as the fems I'd have to go with the Dude in The Big Lebowski:
"Do you know what makes a man a man, Mr Lebowski? Is it the willingness to step up to the plate when circumstances present themself?"
"That and a pair of testicles."
If a dude has male parts, he's a male - not an altered female. The guys who dress like girls in my environment are very proud of the fact they're men. They're just guys who dress like gals. L-o-l-a Lola!
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Post August 22, 2010, 10:12:12 PM

Darling needs killed

Okay, so the lady is a dude, or -- whatever -- that doesn't help the author of this story, and he needs constructive commentary.

The way I see it, the biggest problem with this story goes all the way back to its genesis -- in the author's own words:

I thought that I would create a society that had a different gender make up than our own, but still originally come from human stock just like we do.


So he wrote a story, with that as its only foundation or reason for being. It might have been excusable if he'd used that as setting or background, and kept it in its place, but he then failed to develop characterization, conflict, or an adequate plot (and failed to explain this fictional society, as well).

Gary needs to learn to kill his darlings. I hope he's reading this.

Here's what I mean, for those of you who haven't heard it before (or forgot):

http://www.adaptivepath.com/blog/2010/0 ... -darlings/

. . . and this is a very nice series of articles:

http://www.writesf.com/

I hope this helps.
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Post August 23, 2010, 09:53:10 AM

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Last edited by Bill_Wolfe on August 26, 2010, 07:52:56 AM, edited 1 time in total.
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Post August 23, 2010, 10:21:44 AM

spam

Spam is the perfect food, btw. You can carry it with you everywhere. While it is in the can (it has its own opener) it will never rot. You can mold it into any shape you want for any occasion - wedding bells, for example. You can color it without affecting the wonderful taste of minced, spiced, ham. Yum!
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Post August 28, 2010, 10:46:35 AM

Re: Darling needs killed

Lester Curtis wrote:Okay, so the lady is a dude, or -- whatever -- that doesn't help the author of this story, and he needs constructive commentary.

The way I see it, the biggest problem with this story goes all the way back to its genesis -- in the author's own words:

I thought that I would create a society that had a different gender make up than our own, but still originally come from human stock just like we do.


So he wrote a story, with that as its only foundation or reason for being. It might have been excusable if he'd used that as setting or background, and kept it in its place, but he then failed to develop characterization, conflict, or an adequate plot (and failed to explain this fictional society, as well).

Gary needs to learn to kill his darlings. I hope he's reading this.

Here's what I mean, for those of you who haven't heard it before (or forgot):

http://www.adaptivepath.com/blog/2010/0 ... -darlings/

. . . and this is a very nice series of articles:

http://www.writesf.com/

I hope this helps.


Heh - I don't believe in killing darlings. If you can't support your darlings anymore, give them to an adoption center!

I hereby open the Center for Undernourished Fictional Darlings.
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Post August 28, 2010, 07:27:03 PM

Re: Darling needs killed

TaoPhoenix wrote:Heh - I don't believe in killing darlings. If you can't support your darlings anymore, give them to an adoption center!

I hereby open the Center for Undernourished Fictional Darlings.


I should give over my urban fantasy/survival horror idea. It always creeps up on me every few months, but I can never really get it going after seriously trying to write it for a few days. I've put a lot a work in it, and it be shame to let it die, maybe in a nice nurturing center, it could grow to be functional. :D
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Post August 28, 2010, 07:53:38 PM

Re: Darling needs killed

Iskoday wrote:
TaoPhoenix wrote:Heh - I don't believe in killing darlings. If you can't support your darlings anymore, give them to an adoption center!

I hereby open the Center for Undernourished Fictional Darlings.


I should give over my urban fantasy/survival horror idea. It always creeps up on me every few months, but I can never really get it going after seriously trying to write it for a few days. I've put a lot a work in it, and it be shame to let it die, maybe in a nice nurturing center, it could grow to be functional. :D


Awww, that's sweet. In a Curried Author kind of way.

However, test whether you think you're in an overall slump or just the story. I've been far from my writing peak for a couple of years now, but talent being the fickle creature it is, when it decides to return it will be back with a roar.
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Post August 28, 2010, 07:58:05 PM

I'll also drop some constructive criticism for this story.

I think it can be an interesting concept for alterations in our notions of gender/gender roles, especially far in the future, as your story takes place. It did provide a reason why your antagonists would despise the protagonists. However, as Lester pointed out, I'm still at loss why they would do this? Now I know this is a short story, so you don't have a lot of space, but I would suggest at least a sentence or two on why this occurred (was it a mutation, deliberate genetic engineering, etc).

Hints at background, to make the characters more human and relateable was needed. A brief paragraph of how Jenny thought of the Anti-Fems, or maybe how she felt about being a merc, or how she ended up in the position she was in, would have been nice. As I said before, its a short story, limit on space, but just a hint at this would have improved the tale immensely.

Another thing that made it hard to read, was the dialogue descriptions. For example "Jenny said", followed by "Anti-Fem said". It got old after hearing that for numerous lines. This can easily be spiced up with "Jenny replied", or "Anti-Fem spoke in fanatical tone".

Now that I've pointed out the flaws, let me move onto what I liked. I did like how the protagonists were 'female', just this made it more refreshing then your usual macho Buzz Lightyear clones, that usually features in such a tale. The main character's remark, after the robot was shot, did amuse me as well (It was cheesy, but in a good way IMO). I can also tell, there is a larger universe beyond this tale, which is nice; many short stories I've read on here feel too contained. I believe you should keep exploring and developing it, but take into account what the critics offered up, and you'll start developing quality fiction. I hope you write in your Yin Confederacy again, and the story put forth is deeper and more nuanced.
“The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.”
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Post August 28, 2010, 10:44:58 PM

Re: Darling needs killed

TaoPhoenix wrote:Awww, that's sweet. In a Curried Author kind of way.

However, test whether you think you're in an overall slump or just the story. I've been far from my writing peak for a couple of years now, but talent being the fickle creature it is, when it decides to return it will be back with a roar.


I don't think I'm in so much a slump, I just can't decide what angle I want to take it. I have one version, where it takes place in the near future after an apocalyptical type event (not civilization ending, but the world is really screwed up) . The other version takes place as the event unfolds, and deals with the immediate aftermath (its where the survival horror element plays far more prominently). The first version, was an awesome exercise in world building, but the overall conflict comes off feeling to much like "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" set in post-apocalypse/cyberpunk hell. The later version, is something I find more interesting, but it feels depressing at times, like its wrapped in all the doom and gloom, the world's coming to an end type feel that's really creeped into the overall culture lately (with peak oil, global warming, Katrina, and all that jazz). So I'm stuck. I mean, since last night, I've changed my mind three times while writing it again :?. Its ridiculous I tell you.
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Post October 30, 2010, 05:12:32 PM

Duh!

I just want to say that I don't think I should have sent this story into Aphelion. I don't think that it was ready. There is a lot that I didn't explain in the story about the genetic engineering that created the Yin Confederation society. I think I should have explained it more. [font=Courier New][/font]
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Post October 30, 2010, 07:19:00 PM

I just want to say that I don't think I should have sent this story into Aphelion.
Hey, where else ya gonna go for the deeply insightful commentary you need to improve your writing? That's what we're all here for; put it to use! An unbeatable value for the price!
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Post November 06, 2010, 03:57:45 AM

Re: Darling needs killed

Lester Curtis wrote:Gary needs to learn to kill his darlings. I hope he's reading this.

Here's what I mean, for those of you who haven't heard it before (or forgot):

http://www.adaptivepath.com/blog/2010/0 ... -darlings/

. . . and this is a very nice series of articles:

http://www.writesf.com/

I hope this helps.


Thanks for these liinks, Lester, this is valuable if painful advice. It relates to Mary Sue, as well, I think. We've all wanted to see her killed some time, I think? Preferably in a painful and imaginative way.
che frances monro - http://www.chemonro.com

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