In God's Image


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Post December 30, 2009, 01:11:53 PM

In God's Image

Overall, the grammar errors in the first half of this story made it almost impossible for me to read. However, the 2nd half of the story, after Leo’s aborted romp with the prostitute, improved dramatically – both in the language skills and the tale itself. Go figure.

There are several things about the story I liked and those are at the bottom of this list.

I have offered the following grammar suggestions as a way to improve the author’s next story.

A. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen," Leonardo's voice is timid and either cracks or trembles on every other syllable.
Could be:
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen,” says Leonardo, his voice timid and trembling on every other syllable.
OR
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen.” Leonardo’s voice is timid and either cracks or trembles on every other syllable.
B. But today he has summoned every man or woman of influence to attend what he calls, the press conference that would truly change the world.
Could be: But today he has summoned every man and woman of influence to attend what he calls, “The press conference that would (will?) truly change the world”.
C. "And we are trapped in our cells," Leonardo continues. "Free radials as we know erode our cells over time, and we can't avoid them.”
Should this be “Free radicals” (?)… I don’t find it in the dictionary at all.
D. Her shoes and pearl earrings tone well her attire but the gold crucifix pendant hanging from her neck seems a bit off in a outfit of faded white.
Could be: I don’t know, this sentence is just confusing. Her earrings tone well? Obviously, the ‘a’ should be an ‘an’.
E. “The slight distinction that occasionally pesters the returning young, as they are now called.”
This is an incomplete sentence, and confusing. It’s a stop sign when trying to read the story.
F. Just two percent of the world's population refuse to take the SIR-2A Solution or SI as
….population refuses…
G. Most of those abstaining from the drug are evangelical Christians and Islamic extremists, calling the drug unholy or man's attempt at God.
…or man’s attempt at playing God. ???
H. And she saw him lose interest in her, his passion, in the end, had seemingly worn out.
Confusing. Was she his passion? If not, how about:
And she saw him lose interest in her because his passion, in the end, had simply worn out.
I. But Leonardo hadn't taken the entirety of the criticism. If he is the Father of Infertility then she is undoubtedly its mother. Evelyn has suffered remorseless scrutiny, and to some degree has suffered more than Leonardo. The attacks against her were far more personal than his.
The verb tenses are messed up: hadn’t = past; is = present; has suffered = past perfect; were = past. This is confusing.
J. blurring into focus,
Suggestion: blurring out of focus.

Parts of the story I liked in particular:
"But in his excitement he has seemed to forget an old Baptist axiom his father would often tell him, The brighter the day boy, the darker the shadows." I like this saying – I haven’t heard it before. Someone should have told Tiger Woods this saying.

He reads the headline: "The Father of Infertility." I like this…it’s funny.

"For a potentially immortal being, producing offspring means producing competition for resources." I like this too. It reminds me of something an atheist can say at a funeral: ‘She had to die to decrease competition for limited resources.’
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Post December 30, 2009, 01:50:56 PM

Re: In God's Image

bottomdweller wrote:"Free radials as we know erode our cells over time, and we can't avoid them.”
Should this be “Free radicals” (?)… I don’t find it in the dictionary at all.


Though you're right, he meant to say free radicals, I'm not sure why you couldn't find the other in the dictionary. Free radials are what you get when you buy the hazard insurance on your new tires and hit a spike in the road.

bottomdweller wrote:F. Just two percent of the world's population refuse to take the SIR-2A Solution or SI as
….population refuses…


I think it's the two percent that refuse to take the drug. It's not really the population that refuses, or that would be all of them.


All in all, I liked the story, as well. But punctuation, spelling and syntax errors did make it much more difficult to do so.

One notable flaw in the science is that lack of desire is not true infertility. As bottomdweller noted, once 98% of the world population is immortal, nobody wants normal birth rates.

If and when it becomes a problem, there is always in vitro and in vivo fertilization. There was no indication that either sperm or eggs were not viable, after treatment. And lets face it, there is enough frozen stuff out there to repopulate the planet, from scratch.

One little plot quibble. . .how did Evelyn get pregnant? She made it sound like all she did was go to church and that was enough. Whether she has the desire, or not, it's still going to take the little squigglies getting to the big round thing.

So though the story holds, and certainly gives us much to ponder, its structure and mechanics need some work.

Nice job on the ending, by the way. I wasn't expecting the passion of jealousy to outlive the other kind. It would seem that once you didn't feel the urge, you wouldn't care about these kinds of relationships, at all.

Bill Wolfe

"I am Susan Ivanova. . . .I am the Right Hand of Vengence. . .I am Death Incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. God sent me."

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Post January 02, 2010, 12:19:24 AM

Re: In God's Image

bottomdweller wrote:Overall, the grammar errors in the first half of this story made it almost impossible for me to read. However, the 2nd half of the story, after Leo’s aborted romp with the prostitute, improved dramatically – both in the language skills and the tale itself. Go figure.


Love improves everything including grammar!
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Post January 02, 2010, 12:04:58 PM

Love

Sorry, love does not improve grammer. Example: 'Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.' Note, no verb, no predicate. You guys crack me up. Nice to meet a romantic.
Also, 'heiyum' agrees with me - the 2nd half of the story was much more interesting than the 1st. The reader knows that something is bound to go wrong - and the 2nd half of the story doesn't disappoint. I also wondered about the woman getting pregnant - how did that happen and why?
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Post January 02, 2010, 02:12:37 PM

Re: Love

bottomdweller wrote:Sorry, love does not improve grammer. Example: 'Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.' Note, no verb, no predicate. You guys crack me up.


It's tougher being an atheist. I'm stuck with. . .

"Oh Einstein, oh Heinlein, oh Asimov!"

Any idea how much explaining I have to do?

Think about it. . .

Bill Wolfe
"I am Susan Ivanova. . . .I am the Right Hand of Vengence. . .I am Death Incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. God sent me."

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Post January 16, 2010, 12:07:46 PM

A little better attention to language would make this story much better.

English must be a second language to the author, and he/she is in the process of learning its application to story telling. Grammar is one point the must be studied.

The authors at Aphelion who speak and write English as a second language
are held in my highest esteem.

I think this story shows an author who is trying to master English in all its
uses, and in my opinon he will succeed as a very good story-teller.

Nice Job!!
Tesla Lives!!!
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Post January 26, 2010, 02:06:57 PM

Actually, he's from Boston!

According to his bio, Dwayne was born in Boston, but is now teaching English in Beijing. You may therefore speculate that (a) any flaws in his grammar are the product of the U.S. educational system, or (b) any flaws in his grammar are the result of immersion in a language (or languages, given the many dialects of Chinese) with a completely different grammatical structure, or (c) both of the above.

Then again, the story as published has already been through my attempts at grammatical repair-work, so maybe my grammar also needs work.
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

Jack London (1876-1916)

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