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Ethelbert by Thomas G. Vincent

PostPosted: November 19, 2009, 04:22:23 PM
by davidsonhero
Thomas:

First a couple of technical issues:

A nitpick:

"Begging the Prince's pardon but light, and strong are like opposite ends of the branch if you catch my meaning."


Check the punctuation in this sentence. I would move the comma and punctuate it this way: "Begging the Prince's pardon, but light and strong are like opposite ends of the branch. If you catch my meaning."

A bigger pick:

"Nonsense," said Ethelred. "All's fair in love and horseshoes."


Ethelred or Ethelbert? The main character's name changes halfway through the story.

Overall:
I think this is a good solid story. You could do more with it, more character development, have more of a conflict, show the Prince having to overcome something to accomplish what he does, etc... But as it stands it is an enjoyable read. It feels like a flash story. And flash stories often have to abbreviate some of the elements I just mentioned because of the low word count. In fact this story is only a little over 1000 words. If you are so inclined and are not putoff by trolls messing with the voting the way I am, you might want to try the monthly Aphelion flash contest over in the forum. I know Nate and the others would make you feel very welcome, and it would give us all a chance to read more of your writing.

Hero

Oops. Should have caught that...

PostPosted: November 19, 2009, 11:32:58 PM
by Robert_Moriyama
I read the story, and should have caught the 'bert/'red discrepancy. Just goes to show you how much expectation can affect what we perceive: having established the name "Ethelbert" in my mind, I saw "Ethelred" as "Ethelbert" for the rest of the story.

I have fixed the problem, so no other readers will have to experience the trauma of mid-story character monikermorphing. (A 1-900 number for counseling services will be posted later.)

(Imagine how bad it would have been if there had been an Ethelbert AND an Ethelred in the story (twin brothers, perhaps). Then we couldn't be sure which occurrences were correct, except from the context.)

RM

Ethel____

PostPosted: November 20, 2009, 06:45:10 PM
by TaoPhoenix
The author just forgot the "I want to be me" name change scene at the courthouse. So read a little longer, post a little longer, discuss a little longer, about the tale of Ethelred.!

Just don't bother the agent of Arnold George Dorsey, who changed his name to Engelbert Humperdinck.

bombastic compound names (quote: wikipedia)

PostPosted: November 27, 2009, 07:58:12 AM
by vates
Title and teaser made me think of Ethelred the Unready.

Instead we witness what may be the rise of one who later times might have called Ethelbert the Infamous.