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Time Warps and Jump Fever by T.N.Dockrey

PostPosted: September 16, 2009, 10:53:43 AM
by Bill_Wolfe
I liked this one. It reminds me of some of the better, old-style, space opera pulp stories of my youth. I miss that kind of story.

As with a lot of those, however, there is a tendency to infodump, and this story suffers from it. To paraphrase one of our favorite quibbles, too much telling and not enough showing.

Some of the narration where the protag is explaining--apparently to himself--the political situation and how jump space works, gets a little tiring.

On the plus side, there are very definite efforts away from the infodump, as well. The 'interview' with the personnel officer shows us a lot about the Company, without undue didacticism. The conversation in the mess hall was also well done. It gave the reader an overview of the terms of the recent war, and some idea of the consequences without the use of the internal soapbox.

I could have used a little more description of the ship. Sure seems like it had a large crew for a glorified cargo train. I also had a little trouble believing that the Captain didn’t know that the two saboteurs were part of the crew, as opposed to stowaways. Would have seemed from their first reaction that stowaways are really uncommon.

From a technical standpoint, the story was well-constructed, with excellent use of descriptive phrases and no grammar or syntax problems, at all.

All-in-all, a good, solid tale.

More, please.

Bill Wolfe

PostPosted: September 16, 2009, 03:49:58 PM
by Arnorris
Hmm, my first post on the site. Yay!

This story was interesting and reminded me traditional science fiction.

The tone carried an anomalous narrative voice that drove me to find out who this girl was and how she could talk to the ships brain. I liked the quick flashes from scene to scene. And the changing pace kept me on my toes.

The main character became more of a storyteller than an active participant in the story. Normally this telling approach would throw me off. Instead, I was left feeling like a good friend was telling me a "strange thing" that happened to him. Or maybe more appropriately, like a government official listening to the disposition of a soldier after an incident.

The ending was well timed and classic, without coming across cliche. This was a great story, T.N. Dockrey. Great job!

PostPosted: October 05, 2009, 02:23:01 PM
by tian
Thanks for the great feedback! Bill Wolfe's comments on too much telling, not enough showing, made me go back to some of my other stories and edit. I found a lot of instances where I made the same mistake. The good comments, as always, were much appreciated as well. Arnorris, thank you for the encouraging post!

-TN

Time Warps

PostPosted: October 09, 2009, 03:46:27 PM
by bottomdweller
I agree with Bill_Wolfe.