Page 1 of 1

Space Thing by Mike Berger

PostPosted: August 12, 2009, 04:41:56 AM
by TaoPhoenix
The fella in the poem clearly hasn't read enough of his Faust Legends. Otherwise he would have lept at the chance. (By the poem's truncation, it is implied that he did not.)

Allow me:

"Done", I said.

"Uh... really? I had thought ...
that this would be ... more difficult."

"No, my friend, I accept. NOW."

"Very well. You will feel... a tingle."

As they vanshed from Terra Madness,
the creature had a question.

"But why ... did you accept... so quickly?"

"Because you said Walmart, not Stop&Shop.
Sure beats going back to war.
My shore-leave ends tomorrow.
Thank you for the Visa pass."

PostPosted: August 13, 2009, 03:09:53 PM
by davidsonhero
TaoPhoenix... (chuckling) do you keep track of all your responsive poetry? Some of it is quite good.

Mike Berger's poem all hinges on the very... last... word. It was a bit drab up to that point, but then it was like someone flipped the light switch on at the last second. It gives the poem a completely different tone. :lol:

Hero

Responsive Poetry and more

PostPosted: August 15, 2009, 03:06:22 AM
by TaoPhoenix
davidsonhero wrote:TaoPhoenix... (chuckling) do you keep track of all your responsive poetry? Some of it is quite good.

Mike Berger's poem all hinges on the very... last... word. It was a bit drab up to that point, but then it was like someone flipped the light switch on at the last second. It gives the poem a completely different tone. :lol:

Hero


Thankye, Hero.
No, I actually don't keep track; if y'all like it, you can keep track of it for you/for me.

I do think I'm a bit stronger on response than leadoff. I noticed that five of the famous detectives are always reactive. They let the "ordinary teams" do the initial digging, so they can concentrate on patterns & connections.

I'm a bit of a mirror. That can actually prove dangerous when I deign to deliberately read 3rd rate texts, because then that gets reflected too. Otherwise, I do okay.

PostPosted: August 15, 2009, 01:50:00 PM
by RHFay
This one has an intriguing concept, but the repeated use of "it" kind of threw off the first three stanzas. The descriptive elements are fine (except for, perhaps, the reference to the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz), and they create a vivid picture, but they could have been presented in a poetically-stronger way. The way they are presented creates that "drabness" mentioned by davidsonhero.

To increase the poetic strength of the piece, I would have dropped the multiple uses of "it", and maybe rearranged the first few lines so the piece didn't begin with an article. Beginning right with the descriptive elements may have tightened it, strengthening the impact of those starting lines. And a little more emotional response from the narrator regarding what he saw might have alleviated the drabness just a bit.

However, the poem gets much stronger in the last stanza. Everything really hinges on that last stanza, that last line even. The poem goes from an encounter with a weird alien being to a commentary on the seemingly endless expansion of the Wal-Mart empire, and possibly even the rather ruthless nature of it's retail policies.