Timeloop


Tell us what you thought about the April 2009 issue!

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Post April 10, 2009, 03:55:34 PM

Timeloop

I read the brief bio of the author, and the piece is good for a first published worked. As a fellow senior, I find writing is an excellant way to open one's mind to exciting future worlds.
Having said that, just a few thoughts about the story itself:
Show me, don't tell me. Instead of saying, "I walked to Harvard..." say, "As I passed the student building, I could see the roses on the side of the building were beginning to bloom and I wondered why..."
It's really difficult to write in the 1st person. 3rd person is so much easier because you can say anything about 'that guy Roger' you want to. It makes for a better story - unless you're JD Salinger.
This story reminded me of Coraline...there's not a whole lot of originality in a mysterious tunnel in my bedroom...Time Bandits did this also.
And aliens coming all the way to Earth to tell someone to stop trying to destroy the world seems a little preachy.
Anyways, that's my take. Definately a good first effort. Seniors unite!
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Post April 11, 2009, 11:34:05 AM

Timeloop

I agree that this was a decent early attempt. The story line is good, in that a future society with time travel capabilities might be aware of alternate timelines and take steps to preserve their own. A warning might suffice, in some cases, and an advanced people might even try that approach, first.

Besides the POV and narrative problems highlighted by bottomdweller, there were motivational inconsistencies with the character, as well. Opening the lid, putting on the helmet and taking the pills was just plain silly. I could see that the author tried to address this with some state-of-mind descriptions, but some sort of irresistible force taking over his thoughts, making him do these things might have made him seem like less of an absolute moron.

In general, you--as the writer--have to tell the reader what kind of person is being portrayed. If all he does are stupid things, thinks idiotic thoughts or says he's a big fan of GWB, we can only assume he was dropped on his head too much as an infant.

Nothing wrong with writing dumb characters, but I really didn't get the impression that he was supposed to be that way. Considering that he actually did what the future folk told him to do--without any apparent emotional reluctance--he's probably a pretty bright fellow.

Might want to check a little closer with the spell check and maybe get somebody else to read it looking for times when the word 'than' was typed instead of 'that.' Words that don't show up on spell check.

Keep at it, though. It's a joy ride.

Bill Wolfe

"I am Susan Ivanova. . . .I am the Right Hand of Vengence. . .I am Death Incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. God sent me."

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Post April 17, 2009, 08:49:42 AM

I agree with Bill and Bottomdweller in their critiques.

I can't think of anything much useful to add. Just keep working at your writings and read. You're on the right track in my opinion.
Tesla Lives!!!

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