Post April 04, 2009, 09:07:59 AM

The Protector by Amber Douglas

I feel the writer has talent but must do more reading and studying of some of the popular authors that make sales today. For any writer, reading the works of other is essential.

Nice sensory inputs and a good grasp of description is evident when reading this story, and the use of good grammar and word choices are also a good indication that the author has the mechanics needed.

I find it hard to believe two young teenage girls go on a vacation by themselves. It would be much more believable if theirs mothers were calling them on cell phones, and their dads or older brothers or sister were somehow involve by checking up on them or even staying at the motel in another room. Some ties to their parents are needed in this story to make the stay credible at that young age of seventeen or even eighteen.

Mistakes as the story folded out were also evident, for example: Meredith stated that they are only going to be there, at the motel I assume, a few days. Yet, at the end of the sixth paragraph, Jacqueline indicates that they’ll have all summer “to stare at those two hunks.” The two hunks are Taggart and Daryl the heirs and from the story the managers of the motel now. Unless I missed something the two girls are only to stay a few days!

Some spelling issue were also present.

I don’t know how a backwoods police department could identify a skull as one Henry Johnson who lived around a hundred years ago in just a few hours! The story gives no explanation as to how that skull was identified by the police: DNA, old police records, living descendents who might have information that can aid the investigation to the point of perhaps surmising the skull’s owner. Even with DNA the police would have to find a descended, and that process would take much longer that a few hours.

The dialogue could use some work, at times it sounded too made-up and not natural.

More showing was needed. At the lake when the skull was first discovered. show how Meredith
realized something was down there and show her surprise. This scene is a good one to develop, for it is pivotal to the remainder of the story.

The story is a good theme and with a little more planning and editing it could have developed into a great story.

I feel the author has an abundance of talent but it needs some training. That’s the reason I nit-picked so much!!
Tesla Lives!!!