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Private Eye by E.S Strout

PostPosted: November 13, 2008, 10:42:13 PM
by neoadorable
Of all your many stories, i think this one was the one you had the most difficulty with, correct? it's possible you had the ending in mind and it felt really impactful when you were contemplating it, but in actuality it doesn't work so well. the buildup isn't half bad, although the conversation flow can confuse sometimes, and characters are referred to by too many different naming variations. i also wouldn't mention skin color, apperance and nationality so upfront - best left to the reader or Hollywood screenplay writer unless absolutely necessary!

but the science reads well and the plot basics are compelling, i just thought the ending shortchanged it or made it more of a kid's fiction piece, i mean was that Wall-E hiding in there? :wink:

had a good time with it, but it's not as powerful as some of the others you've shared with us.

PostPosted: November 15, 2008, 08:37:54 PM
by gino_ss
Thanks, Neo. Your comments and critique are always welcome. For this story I had some problems getting all parties on the same page, so to speak. The story actually began with the idea for the blinking eye of . . . whatever. My March '08 story, Spitting Image, was a lot easier to write.

gino

PostPosted: November 16, 2008, 11:16:01 AM
by Megawatts
I liked it!! The building could have been better, but the ending had a nice twist to it.

The writing was good, the character's Okay, and the story held my interest. I love the humor.

Giving the characters more liveliness and bickering might have set the ending up better. Especially, if two were betting on what the gap really was and calling each other idiots. If each felt he/she were so right that a couple of hundred dollars was flashed before the other scientist present, then more tension might have been felt as the story neared the end.

I'm sure there are other techniques to enhance the middle of the story, and maybe others will suggest some.

I like all of the author's story. :wink:

Nice job!! Nice un-expected twist at the end!!!

Private Eye

PostPosted: November 20, 2008, 02:01:55 PM
by bottomdweller
This story does what a sci-fi story should: it takes the reader into a new, unique environment - the inside of a business meeting at NASA. Trust me, we are all tightening our belts. Lots of science banter - like it very much.
The story also made it clear these were merely your everyday joes, not awe-inspiring heros. The future, like the present, will be made up of average people, which is a good thing...give me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy (who said that?).
Enjoyed it very much. :D

PostPosted: November 21, 2008, 11:44:24 PM
by neoadorable
love your writing, gino, and envy you for being so productive and prolific.

this one wasn't as driven as the others, though, like i said it felt like you were losing your way at times.

let's get the next one ASAP!

!

PostPosted: November 22, 2008, 09:45:28 AM
by Megawatts
E. S. Strout, I am certainly going to keep an eye out for more of your stories! Just had to get that one in!

PostPosted: November 25, 2008, 08:19:40 PM
by gino_ss
My thanks to all who read, commented on and critiqued Private Eye. This input is always helpful to me in further endeavors.

gino

PostPosted: November 26, 2008, 05:13:53 PM
by bottomdweller
Hello Neoadorable, If you want more ES Strout...just go to this month's Bewildering Stories. Ah hah...caught you.

PostPosted: November 30, 2008, 10:17:17 PM
by neoadorable
hmmm promoting non-Aphelion approved content? Seize him!!!