Commenter
Posts: 45
Joined: October 08, 2016, 03:32:33 PM
Re: February 2018 Flash Fiction Contest - The Voting
Defective Huh?- Jim Statton
I loved the idea behind this story—a clone being cloned; and, of course, mutations happen.
One thing I’ve read often in commentary about flash fiction is that authors many times start the story in the wrong place. The advice most often given is to start in media res. Or in other words, get to the point. I wonder if this should start with the third paragraph.
Another thing to consider is verb tense. Use active verbs. For example, instead of “was trying,” you might write “The one on my left struggled to strap restraints across my chest…” I would show the reader here why he’s having a problem. Another example is “as I was backing out.” “as I backed out” might be better.
Good job, Jim, given the short timeframe to get it done.
The Worship of the Unending Pain - Sergio
This was an interesting read, but I didn’t buy into the premise. If a citizen of another country living on the island can be euthanized, why would this change if the clone was recreated? He would simply be in a cycle of clone-euthanize-reclone, etc. Maybe I missed something.
As with Jim’s story, I wonder if the opening sentence is needed. You mention the island in the second paragraph and could add a descriptive phrase there.
I looked up the treatments for ALS (medications, occupational, physical and speech therapy) and find it hard to believe the doctors can’t treat him at least at a minimal level.
“It didn’t take long before Frank was called in to the main hospital in the capital.” Earlier you wrote there was only one hospital on the island. Is this the same one? I’m confused.
Divide and Conquer - Robin
Since I seem to be commenting on beginnings, I liked this one. It peaked my interest and left me wanting to read (eat?) more.
“So many eating and not just those of the same gender.” Not sure why this is here. Why wouldn’t both genders eat?
I got confused at the bit of conversation starting with “Something is strange, can you feel it?” He speaks the first line. I guess she says the second line, and then the third? Or is there another person here?
“it all began when a large bio-pharma company was finding new ways of engineering…” Consider something stronger than “was finding.”
This was an interesting concept and an enjoyable read.
They Prey on the Hurts of Others - Megawatts
For a first story after a long layoff, this is well done. I thought there needed to be a bit more background provided before Daniel got mad. It felt like a disconnect for the change to happen so fast. And who is the baby? Later I see it’s Nicky. Maybe use grandson instead of baby.
Welcome back, Megawatts. I look forward to reading more of your stories.