May 27, 2017, 10:21:29 PM by Lester Curtis
My votes are in, and here are my comments.
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01 Ivy and Justin by K. Vesi
Continuity:
Justin is the one who didn't want to go to school, but Ivy seems more pleased when it's cancelled.
Unintended consequences:
What's going to happen to all the puppies that are given to people who don't want them? Many people won't be able to afford the upkeep; some are animal abusers; some of the puppies will be eaten. The world will very suddenly become a lot more crowded. For some while, there won't be enough dog food or veterinary care available; waste cleanup will become a problem.
On the positive side, the job market will take off wildly in everything related to dogs.
Dialog and characterization were well done, with some very nice action beats, such as:
>> Ivy’s face flushed; she looked down at the ground. <<
The kids seemed very kid-like.
I'd have expected more confusion coming from the news reporters, but maybe they were magicked into thinking this was nothing unusual.
I like the ending; a little unstated trickery and some ambiguity about the future.
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02 Other People's Children by Genna Watson
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03 The Pettiness Device By Jean-Paul L. Garnier
I liked how the effect of the device was limited, and how the MC decided against meddling. Good character arc. I did think the device's effect was just a little overstated.
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04 Meal Time By Thomas Wm. Hamilton
Not much of a character arc, but I was impressed with the economy.
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05 For the Greater Good By Hope Gillette
Interesting premise and setting.
The ending was rather abrupt, but a graceful ending with a satisfying denouement is one of the hardest things to do with flash. I was dissatisfied with a lot of my own, and got to trying to reach the story's climax by the end of the first paragraph. I never managed that, but the effort helped my story arcs.
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06 The Lily Pads of Your Minds By Gareth D Jones
You did a very nice job of describing the details of *how* your MC used his abilities, but I can't seem to find a character arc or a story arc. I had no reason to care about the character or *what* he did, because you didn't give him a motive.
Good stories make us care about the characters because they struggle with circumstance and choice, and with the consequences of those choices for others as well as for themselves.
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07 For a Mile or an Hour by Glenn M. Diamond
Great setup, but that first sentence could use some work. You've got 'dim corner,' 'sleepy tavern,' 'state highway,' 'hill country,' 'Wheatfield County,' and 'muggy summer morning'--that's *six* nested layers of description for where the characters are. This all establishes atmosphere, which is important, but I think some of it can be cut (I'd keep the sleepy tavern in Wheatfield County and cut the rest). You might also recast it differently, maybe into two or even three sentences.
So. Nice setup, and I liked what you did next, with Grimes puzzling over his choice. I liked how you then describe the subsequent meeting.
In the following scene, I think you overexplained the situation for the first two paragraphs. The reader already knows what happened. The fine detail could be taken from that narrative and moved back into Grimes' explanation to Old Sulfur Breath. Then you could move on to the concrete examples of the real-world consequences.
Altogether, very nice.
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08 Omnipotent by Roderick D. Turner
I found myself confused, wondering who was who and which one of them was talking. Needs more attribution tags. Good dialog and plot, though.
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09 101 Uses For Mind Control Slaves By Frank Martin
I spotted a continuity problem--the story opens with dialog indicating that the female victim had already been 'bought,' but shortly thereafter, she is sold at auction. This may be an error in how the chronology of events was portrayed.
Then there is a luridly detailed torture scene, and the victim has her memory erased and is returned to her daily routine as a performer.
I failed to find a character arc here for anyone, therefor the story has no hook. Readers need a reason to care about someone, but that character needs to be allowed agency and some means with which to resist obstacles and proceed toward their goal; see my notes on #06 above. The victim here wasn't given a goal, nor any agency. I don't see anything that looks like a substantial plot.
My strongest reaction to the story was revulsion at the gratuitous violence of the torture scene.
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10 All the King’s Horses and All the King’s Men By Haydn T. A. Jones
The character's goal is stated, but it was unclear to me what was opposing him. He seems to have imprisoned all of his competition. Also, I couldn't figure out the point of his manipulation of those people. I presume they're all taking the place of chessmen in various games, but I don't see a reason for it. And since he has his competitors locked up, who is playing against him? Very fuzzy plot.
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11 Absolute Platitude By Mike Dorman
I liked this story for its philosophical aspect, but the euthanasia is a significant plot point, the necessity of which isn't explained.
The fact that you have the character saying, "shut up and listen" twice in the first two paragraphs led me to expect that some important aspect of the story would have to do with sound; I was left with an unfulfilled expectation.
The story does have a strong point, which is nicely delivered.
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12 Mister Adjuster By Alexander D Jones
This story seems to lack a plot, and there is no character arc.
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13 Inside the Cave by Jason McGraw
I see the second installment of something larger--maybe much larger. Not bad, as fantasy goes. It seems to only be tangentially addressed to the challenge, but it's justifiable. The problem is that the main human characters aren't being controlled; they're being persuaded.
I like this. It's going somewhere we can't see yet, and I think you should take it there on its own merits, whether it fits with a challenge or not.
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14 The Day the Earth Moved by Martin Westlake
Delightful!
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15 A Confrontation of Wills By Sergio ‘ente per ente’ Palumbo
Interesting plot--two layers of mind-control.
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16 The Spider By Robin B. Lipinski
I got a good laugh out of this.
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17 A Bouquet of Flowers of the Mind by Florin Purluca.
Prose poetry.
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18 The Director by Ryan Harris
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19 Eric's Peace by Mike Wilson
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I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?
