[POLL] Vote: July 2016 Flash Challenge


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Post July 26, 2016, 12:41:14 PM

Re: [POLL] Vote: July 2016 Flash Challenge

Jim Statton wrote:I've never written a story before, so I concentrated on the story itself. I avoided English in school as much as possible, but writing in this contest makes me wished I had studied when I had the chance. I don't know what a tense is or correct grammar.

If someone wants to show me what I did wrong, that would be great.

Urban ghettos have a language all their own, which ruins any chance of recognizing good grammar. One day I'll figure out the purpose of adverbs and semicolons instead of just hitting the spell check.

Thank you all for reading the story.

Jim

Jim,

Here are some links that you're sure to find helpful. I visit DWT daily, and I think you can sign up to get it in your email. They have an enormous archive; very useful. Grammar Girl has brilliant and memorable explanations of how the details go together. The National Geographic Style Manual is maybe a bit unwieldy to navigate, but it's exhaustive (and free).

http://www.dailywritingtips.com

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/grammar-girl

http://www.grammaruntied.com/blog/

http://www.onelook.com/reverse-dictionary.shtml

https://www.powerthesaurus.org

http://www.thesaurus.com

http://stylemanual.natgeo.com
__________________________

Hope this helps,

LC
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?

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Post July 26, 2016, 02:45:44 PM

Re: [POLL] Vote: July 2016 Flash Challenge

bottomdweller wrote:Something more like this perhaps: grammar update.

Little Black Riding Hood: Wolf Slayer

I’m a criminal profiler with the Temporal Police Force, an inter-dimensional law enforcement organization that travels through Earth’s timeline continuum, correcting incursions by interstellar beings. Our job: stop crimes before they happen and punish the perpetrators for what they intended to do.

My destination is Los Angeles in the year 2057. A serial killer is murdering gang bangers, pimps, thugs and drug dealers throughout the city and I'm sent to stop these murders from happening. Normally, I wouldn't care about preventing the proper disposal of human garbage, but it is known to us that the future grandson of one of the victims will become an influential world leader and so we've got to save the dirt bag for his semen contribution.

I've made the dimensional transport to the downtown district at the coordinates where the next murder is to take place. The city is decorated in cheap neon. You can hear the pain of human suffering in the distance. Periodic gunshots are heard; the faint sounds of screaming fill the night air. This is one huge garbage pail. I hate the scum that is out there.

I see a silhouette of a figure moving toward me. It's dark but after a few minutes I make out a black female, approximately 5' 6 wearing a black cape and hood, which conceals her identifying features. As she draws closer, I add one more thing to her description...she is drop dead gorgeous. I don't know why that phrase particularly comes to mind, but it seems fitting.
(new paragraph) She smiled at me as she passed. I was breathless - and aroused. I never gave black women a thought romantically speaking, but she possessed all of my thoughts for the time being.

I spied her walking into an unlit convenient store across the street. That seemed odd.

The action continues to take place inside the store out of sight of the detective. He waits by the lamppost for her to exit.

***

She walks into the store’s darkness; a cigarette is lit in the far back of the room barely illuminating four men from its orange glow.

"Hey b-otch. Check out the fine bod sho-tee rockin' all dat ice," the first gang member says.

"Oh no you did-n’t," the ebony beauty stares down the men without fear. She disrobes her hood and cape revealing herself to be a beautiful, full-breasted woman in a halter-top. She wears dark form fitting pants, which shows she has a bod for sex.

"If you a playa, den you got a piece. Let me see it," another gang member says leering at her. "Don't make me come an get it. I wouldn't mind strip searchin’ you bitch."

"Would ya like me to off ya?" she asks looking at him sternly. "I'm not talkin' about what you think I’m talkin’ about,” she says with an attitude.

"Listen dawgs, she needs some schoolin'.”

When the gangbanger is in arms reach, she moves her hand towards his pants. He did not see the sharp pocketknife she was holding.

A few seconds later, he screams. One of the thugs shouts, “She cut off his member (I would say thing if it had to be PG) and threw it on the floor.”

As the gang bangers start to rush at her, she quickly grabs the gun from the bleeding thug’s back pocket and fires six shots killing the other three who were approaching her.

As blood pours from his jeans, he slides to the floor. She kneels beside him, running her fingers in his hair, twirling a strand around her index finger.

"Dare, dare my little man. I ain't mad atcha." The black beauty begins to spout hip-hop poetry as he lays bleeding to death.

“I got the goodies and you be da wolf, howling at the moon. Do ya want some of dis, do you want some of dis. You be off the meat hook dawg, lyin in my lap, your head in my lap. You off the chain, off the meter, no longer sweeter without the peter. So what you sayin' my man, you pants are saggin' no more dragon, You gonna get down, get loose, get buzy or is life gettin' fuzzy as it oozes out of you. I bang in my white tee, I slang in my white tee."

As he fades to death she whispers in his ear, "Little red riding hood was my sista. You knocked her up and she goes and offs herself. Die you mudder focker!"

***

The detective by the lamppost begins to walk slowly towards the store after hearing the shots a few moments earlier. Just as he is about twenty yards from the door the building explodes in a fiery ball of flames, debris lands everywhere for a city block. The detective is knocked to the ground by the blast. When he gains focus, he sees this same woman walking towards him out of the smoke that billows around her. She lowers her hand to help him to his feet.

"What happened?" the detective asks.

"Nuthin' you should worry your pretty little head about sugar," she responds.

"You're the serial killer, aren't you?" the detective asks.

She moves her hands over his chest, her face close enough so he can feel her hot breath on the nape of his neck. "Your dark overcoat, hat and rubber soul shoes give you away baby.”

A knife appears and moments later she slowly pierces the skin cutting his throat from one ear to the other. As the detective falls down to the ground he cries out in a raspy voice, "Lady!"

She bends down and says in his ear, while playing with his hair, “Yes sugar."

He looked into her black eyes and said, "I'm not sure I like the way you flirt."

The End

Thank you for helping me. Are you on staff here?

I don't know what tense means in writing. Could you highlight in red the changes you made so I could compare them with what I did wrong.

Jim

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Post July 26, 2016, 02:47:22 PM

Re: [POLL] Vote: July 2016 Flash Challenge

Lester Curtis wrote:
Jim Statton wrote:I've never written a story before, so I concentrated on the story itself. I avoided English in school as much as possible, but writing in this contest makes me wished I had studied when I had the chance. I don't know what a tense is or correct grammar.

If someone wants to show me what I did wrong, that would be great.

Urban ghettos have a language all their own, which ruins any chance of recognizing good grammar. One day I'll figure out the purpose of adverbs and semicolons instead of just hitting the spell check.

Thank you all for reading the story.

Jim

Jim,

Here are some links that you're sure to find helpful. I visit DWT daily, and I think you can sign up to get it in your email. They have an enormous archive; very useful. Grammar Girl has brilliant and memorable explanations of how the details go together. The National Geographic Style Manual is maybe a bit unwieldy to navigate, but it's exhaustive (and free).

http://www.dailywritingtips.com

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/grammar-girl

http://www.grammaruntied.com/blog/

http://www.onelook.com/reverse-dictionary.shtml

https://www.powerthesaurus.org

http://www.thesaurus.com

http://stylemanual.natgeo.com
__________________________

Hope this helps,

LC

You put all these links together for me? Thank you very much.

There is a lot of reading in these links. I'll get right on it.
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Post July 26, 2016, 04:33:06 PM

Re: [POLL] Vote: July 2016 Flash Challenge

Lester and I are both on staff. Michele isn't, but she is an editor in her own right at Quantum Muse magazine, so she knows her stuff.

Tense refers to when the action happened--in the past, the present, or will happen in the future. The verb changes. For a simplified example: ran, running, and run.
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Post July 27, 2016, 02:33:01 AM

Re: [POLL] Vote: July 2016 Flash Challenge

For Michele "Bottomdweller":

Yes, indeed...I received the message with the attached file three times...eh,eh..I don't know why, maybe there is a malfunction in the e-mail system, as it is Italian, everything is possible, and malfunction is its second name you know...eh,eh :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Post July 27, 2016, 08:02:42 PM

Re: [POLL] Vote: July 2016 Flash Challenge

I enjoyed writing this piece. Thanks to everyone for letting me play in your backyard. Also, thank you N. J. Kailhofer for the kind words and for making me feel welcome.

I happen to be a big fan of Shakespeare, I was just playing the writer's game of 'what if' and combined two concepts: did he write his own stuff or did someone do it for him (it is alleged in history, that a fellow named Bacon wrote some or all of his works. But of course, history says a lot of things).

Also, he had a mysterious woman by his side named Anne Hathaway (not the current actress) and I wondered what it would be like to have a woman try to teach a self centered man how to treat a lady.

Off the wall I know, but where else can you try new things than in a writer's group.

My favorite story was "Ernie's Angel" and then next to that, "Little Black Riding Hood: Wolf Slayer". I saw the posts about tense being overlooked, I saw it too when I read it, but the entertainment value overrode any grammatical mistakes. I think both stories were really clever.

I picked up something from each story and learned from reading them.

Thanks again.
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Post August 07, 2016, 07:40:29 PM

Re: [POLL] Vote: July 2016 Flash Challenge

The stories for this challenge have been posted in the Flash Index II in accordance with the challenge rules.
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