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Under the Bridge

PostPosted: October 08, 2004, 12:20:02 PM
by Kate_Thornton
Man, I am such a sucker for these creepy flashback-to-what-happened-as-kids stories!<br><br>I really enjoyed this one, and except for a little roughness here and there and a few typos, this one had me sweating out the panics of a kid in a weird situation.  Loved the characters and the situation.<br><br>I think the ending needs fleshing out, though.  I was holding an empty page in my hand just as I was relishing and anticipating the denoument.  I really need to know what happened next!<br><br>Thanks for a wild ride on an old bike in the city...!<br><br>Kate

Re: Under the Bridge

PostPosted: October 10, 2004, 08:27:45 PM
by dsullivan
Yessir! This one was a really good one. It kept me in suspense wondering just what the heck was under that darn bridge. It was a good story, and was well written except for a few typos and misspellings.<br><br>I agree with Kate that the ending could have provided a little more closure. I was dissappointed, because I expected something down there under that bridge that was really horrifying: a horrible supernatural creature, an evil spirit, or an implacable ghost. I also like explanations as to how that horrible critter or ghostie got to be there (that's just a personal fancy).<br><br>For only his second story, I thought this tale by George T Philbin was super. <br><br>Donald

Re: Under the Bridge

PostPosted: October 20, 2004, 05:35:37 PM
by Bill_Wolfe
I can't help it. . .<br><br> DANG! THAT WAS A GOOD STORY <br><br><br>Sorry about that, hate to shout.<br><br><br>There were so many errors--spelling, grammatical, punctuation, syntax, stylistic. . .there were wrong words, wrong structure. . .<br><br>And yet I couldn't stop reading the thing. There is real talent here and despite all the mechanical problems, the story soars. Amazing.<br><br>I kept wanting—yeah, you split your infinitives the way you want—to correct all the mistakes (I always read these things on a word processor) and resubmit the thing to the editorial mafia, begging someone to reformat it for anyone who hadn't already read it. <br><br>I felt like I was reading something my kid wrote and having to fight the urge to do a little 'helpful' editing. It was weird. <br><br>I have trashed and/or just given-up on stories for far less stylistic reason than abounds in this one—just as I have finished weak and/or bad stories because the mechanics were so good and the style was so effortless, that I kept hoping it would get better right up to the end.<br><br>A little work, a little practice, and the King (and no, I don't mean Elvis) will have some serious up-and-coming competition. <br><br>'Nuff said,<br><br>Bill Wolfe<br>

Under the Bridge

PostPosted: October 28, 2004, 09:44:42 PM
by neoadorable
George did a stand-up job with this one, providing us with an excellently moody piece perfectly timed for halloween. of course, comparison with It and Elm Street are inevitable, and even helpful. Under the Bridge had lots of elements working for it, mainly an impeccable atmosphere generated by superb mood-setting, like the wind playing in the background, distant sounds and people backdropping what the protagonists did etc.<br>sure, there were typos and some awkwardness, but UTB made it all worthwhile. <br>I loved how they grew up to become the city workers that finally had to take on the 6th Ave bridge, definitely a nice touch. and as someone constantly bothered by litter and how filthy some cities have become, George's decision to incorporate this seldom discussed issue went over nicely with me, thank you.<br>as for the end, having no clear-cut resolution didn't bother me at all. that's life, we go around fussing over every little thing, and to what end? the mother of all anti-climaxes. besides, the stones left us wantinmg more, as other readers indicated. having said that, i see scant sequel-material in UTB, simply because its ambient faculties won't bear stretching out beyond the story's existing premise.<br><br>good work!<br><br>Lee

Re: Under the Bridge

PostPosted: November 05, 2004, 11:14:33 PM
by kailhofer
Well, I'm no sucker for this kind of story like Kate, but I'll agree with Donald that it was a great effort for only the second time out of the gate for Mr. Philibin.<br><br><br>Professionalism matters, and I'd recommend increased attention to editing for future efforts. Since some parts of a story need to be slow to set up later fast action, I'd also suggest letting the story ebb and flow by varying the size of some paragraphs with increased detail or action. Pacing is a hard skill to learn (although some writers fake it by getting excited when writing and forgetting to include details as they're going), and it can only be mastered with more writing.<br><br>I come from roots so blue collar that they back to ancestors who's only goal was to clear a patch of land big enough to sell, buy a tavern, drink it dry, and then sell it for enough to buy another stony, rock-ridden parcel of land and then do it all over again. (Or maybe they just weren't very smart, but they were very blue collar.) I'm a third-generation union man myself. As such, I recognize a person who knows blue collar speech, and the blue collar outlook on life, even though I have one of those namby-pamby, "off-white" collar jobs and went to college. <br><br>I hope Mr. Philibin never loses his touch with the laborer's heart. It may well turn out to be his best asset as his writing career progresses.<br><br>Finally, a writer who uses more than sight and sound to describe the world! Good job!<br><br>George was a good character. He was believable, and invoked sympathy for himself with never quite getting over the missing boys and that he wasn't really chicken for not going. I thought that he could have been more afraid as they approached the gate, and added to the drama if he had to work up his courage to go through (perhaps in an effort to finally silence his inner demons).<br><br>Elroy, on the other hand, was somewhat more one-dimensional, and varied from braggadocio to fear, back and forth. As for what really drove him, or where he was going in his arc, I couldn't say for sure.<br><br>The ending left us hanging. I bought in, invested care in George, and Elroy, too, but then the story just ended. The faces on the underside of the stones read as if they were the beginning of a new, darker chapter that would take us to a riveting climax later on, and not as the conclusion.<br><br><br>Bill was right when he said that this author has real talent, but in a raw, unrefined form. I hope he chooses to practice in here, in the future, as I wouldn't mind reading another from him.<br><br>Nate<br>

Under the Bridge

PostPosted: November 06, 2004, 01:35:54 AM
by neoadorable
<br>but Nate, isn't being left wanting and hanging in mid-air so to speak part of he fun? i believe generating this kind of effect requires formidable skill in itself, and George pulled it off eloquently enough.<br><br>Lee

Re: Under the Bridge

PostPosted: November 06, 2004, 10:54:54 AM
by kailhofer
but Nate, isn't being left wanting and hanging in mid-air so to speak part of he fun?
<br>I don't think this is the right application of that, Lee. <br><br>Now, if the old guy from the car on the bridge were to step from the shadows, give them a sinister smile, and then the story ended, I'd be fine with that. That ending lets me fill in the gaps myself. The ending as given just fills my head with more questions than answers. <br><br>I think endings have to provide some resolution. Finding them on the stones doesn't do that for me. Are they carved there as trophies? Are the kids imprisoned inside? If so, what put them there? How long had this been going on? Can they get the kids out?<br><br>I guess I like my yarns in nice, neat little balls, rather than tangled messes...<br><br>Nate

Under the Bridge

PostPosted: November 08, 2004, 08:35:51 PM
by neoadorable
apples and oranges, apparently, you enjoy a more intricate resolution while yours truly doesn't require resolution most of the time. i'll take what they give me, and examine it as provided according to personal criteria. but of course i see where you're coming from, and i'd be remiss if i said i NEVER crave more detailed endings myself.<br><br>Lee

Re: Under the Bridge

PostPosted: November 16, 2004, 02:46:16 PM
by Jaimie
This reminded me of a rough draft. The potential was there, but it still need a good amount of polishing. Punctuation, grammar, and spelling issues were fairly obvious. Word repetition was also a problem (cool breeze kept popping up repeatedly in just a few paragraphs). I'm not sure why there was an abundance of semi-colons. Also, I'm going to agree with the other posters that the story needs a better ending. It felt a bit anticlimactic. Some writers struggle with that. Others, like myself, have problems with the beginning.<br><br>The positive was that the story kept me engrossed. It definitely captured the blue collar environment that Nate described above.<br>