The CCP by Gerry Sonnenschein


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Post January 30, 2008, 10:00:44 PM

The CCP by Gerry Sonnenschein

Man, you just can't get away from those damn Pampered Chef™-esque parties, even in the future!

Sorry it took so long for someone to comment. This deserved better.


At first blush, I was going to say not much happened, but that would have been missing the point. A protagonist with a real, human problem (he doesn't like going to these kind of parties because of the established cliques and their gossip), risks of himself, namely possible embarrassment in asking others, and finds what looks like a solution. There may not have been mortal risk, but it was focused on solving a human problem.

That's top drawer. It's exactly what I keep telling people to write. Keep on doing it.

On the down side, the pace was maybe a tad slow, and I thought it could use more sensory input. They are smelling and tasting throughout the whole party, after all. Mel could have been a bit more appealing at the outset, but I really hate going to those things or when one is held in our house (everyone gets their turn in the barrel now and then), so I was totally behind him. I also think maybe one more hint about his 'nonconformity' would have given the ending more of a 'I get it now!' feeling to it.

The only thing I didn't catch was why Dee had to have everything liquefied. Was it in there?

Nate
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Post January 30, 2008, 10:30:02 PM

Re: The CCP by Gerry Sonnenschein

Mel was a guy??

:-?
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Post January 30, 2008, 10:47:53 PM

Re: The CCP by Gerry Sonnenschein

Well, I just checked it again, and it carefully does not say one way or the other.

My next door neighbor's name is Mel. I spent about a half hour this morning in a -40° F windchill snow blowing his driveway (since he's about 75 years old).

Every woman I know is more socially functioning than any guy I know. This Mel read like a guy to me.

Nate
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Post January 31, 2008, 07:54:35 PM

Re: The CCP by Gerry Sonnenschein

Thanks, Nate, for the critique comments! Good suggestion about including more sensory input. And I agree that the story's a little slow - probably too many unnecessary details in places slowing down the story. There are a few hints a long the way about Mel's physical condition.

Ah, the gender question. I made Mel's gender ambiguous on purpose, in the hope that readers would wonder about it and question stereotypes. The name can be male or female. Mel is a scientist who likes the analytical method, and feels uncomfortable in social situations - that's true of many male and female scientists. Both men and women can like cooking and/or gossip, though on this station, there were a lot more women at the party. There is one clue in the second to last paragraph, where Mel is complaining about the spouse behaving in a traditional social manner - that probably gives away what gender I had in mind. One theme was that social patterns resist change, especially on Mir 3, where the long term inhabitants still feel close ties to Earth.

Dee is coming from much farther away than the rest of them. I didn't go into it in the story, but the general idea was that she was descended from people who had lived for many generations on Jovian station, and their bodies had evolved over time (preferred dim, artificial light; ate food that could be stored in limited space for a very long time, maybe in powdered form). I also never gave a good enough reason why she would have traveled at this time to Mir 3 - working on a fluid dynamics project with Mel is probably not that big a deal (if it were, they might have been treated differently by the "in-crowd") . Maybe I should explore Dee's story in a sequel.

Thanks again for the feedback!

Gerry


Man, you just can't get away from those damn Pampered Chef™-esque parties, even in the future!

Sorry it took so long for someone to comment. This deserved better.


At first blush, I was going to say not much happened, but that would have been missing the point. A protagonist with a real, human problem (he doesn't like going to these kind of parties because of the established cliques and their gossip), risks of himself, namely possible embarrassment in asking others, and finds what looks like a solution. There may not have been mortal risk, but it was focused on solving a human problem.

That's top drawer. It's exactly what I keep telling people to write. Keep on doing it.

On the down side, the pace was maybe a tad slow, and I thought it could use more sensory input. They are smelling and tasting throughout the whole party, after all. Mel could have been a bit more appealing at the outset, but I really hate going to those things or when one is held in our house (everyone gets their turn in the barrel now and then), so I was totally behind him. I also think maybe one more hint about his 'nonconformity' would have given the ending more of a 'I get it now!' feeling to it.

The only thing I didn't catch was why Dee had to have everything liquefied. Was it in there?

Nate

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