Editor Emeritus
Posts: 3244
Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM
Location: Kaukauna, Wisconsin (USA)
December 27, 2007, 02:56:22 PM
Voyages of the Earthship Horus: Gangsters
I remembered the last story, so I looked this one over.
As I said last time, these are interesting characters. I was glad they were placed in more peril than last time. That was a good improvement.
However, scope still seems to be a big issue.
In this story they start by just trying to move some crystals. In so doing, the crew tumbles into a series of double-crossing gangsters and cops, Little Plato comes of age, they become caught up with a human slave ring, and finally get trapped by the aforementioned gangsters/slavers before being rescued by the authorities.
IMO, those are too many things to try to accomplish in a short story. A serial/novella maybe, but not in a short. Moreover, the writing began to show the hurried pace to where it was almost shorthand: "Power failure. All forcefields down... Lights come on..."
I think as writers we have a responsibility to the reader to not gloss things over, or at least relate events by showing their effect on or reaction from the characters. The Captain squinting through the sudden dark, someone tripping and falling where the forcefield was, blinding by the glare of the lights... these are all things the characters can experience, making the situation all the more real for the audience. "Shorthand" doesn't do those moments justice, especially since these should be the most tense moments in the whole story. They don't know what's going on. The lights going out could be part of the slaver's plan, to move into the pen. Or it could be an opportunity for the crew to escape, if they can find each other in the gloom. Freedom could be possible, or death. This is a heavyweight moment.
Every writer has times where they want to skip ahead and get to the good part. Fine, go ahead and skip, but come back to the in-betweens. They can help the pace or mood more than one might realize.
Nate
As I said last time, these are interesting characters. I was glad they were placed in more peril than last time. That was a good improvement.
However, scope still seems to be a big issue.
In this story they start by just trying to move some crystals. In so doing, the crew tumbles into a series of double-crossing gangsters and cops, Little Plato comes of age, they become caught up with a human slave ring, and finally get trapped by the aforementioned gangsters/slavers before being rescued by the authorities.
IMO, those are too many things to try to accomplish in a short story. A serial/novella maybe, but not in a short. Moreover, the writing began to show the hurried pace to where it was almost shorthand: "Power failure. All forcefields down... Lights come on..."
I think as writers we have a responsibility to the reader to not gloss things over, or at least relate events by showing their effect on or reaction from the characters. The Captain squinting through the sudden dark, someone tripping and falling where the forcefield was, blinding by the glare of the lights... these are all things the characters can experience, making the situation all the more real for the audience. "Shorthand" doesn't do those moments justice, especially since these should be the most tense moments in the whole story. They don't know what's going on. The lights going out could be part of the slaver's plan, to move into the pen. Or it could be an opportunity for the crew to escape, if they can find each other in the gloom. Freedom could be possible, or death. This is a heavyweight moment.
Every writer has times where they want to skip ahead and get to the good part. Fine, go ahead and skip, but come back to the in-betweens. They can help the pace or mood more than one might realize.
Nate
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A cooperative effort between 17 Aphelion authors. No part of any sales go to Aphelion.
A cooperative effort between 17 Aphelion authors. No part of any sales go to Aphelion.