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Voyages of the Earthship Horus: Gangsters

PostPosted: December 27, 2007, 02:56:22 PM
by kailhofer
I remembered the last story, so I looked this one over.

As I said last time, these are interesting characters. I was glad they were placed in more peril than last time. That was a good improvement.

However, scope still seems to be a big issue.

In this story they start by just trying to move some crystals. In so doing, the crew tumbles into a series of double-crossing gangsters and cops, Little Plato comes of age, they become caught up with a human slave ring, and finally get trapped by the aforementioned gangsters/slavers before being rescued by the authorities.

IMO, those are too many things to try to accomplish in a short story. A serial/novella maybe, but not in a short. Moreover, the writing began to show the hurried pace to where it was almost shorthand: "Power failure. All forcefields down... Lights come on..."

I think as writers we have a responsibility to the reader to not gloss things over, or at least relate events by showing their effect on or reaction from the characters. The Captain squinting through the sudden dark, someone tripping and falling where the forcefield was, blinding by the glare of the lights... these are all things the characters can experience, making the situation all the more real for the audience. "Shorthand" doesn't do those moments justice, especially since these should be the most tense moments in the whole story. They don't know what's going on. The lights going out could be part of the slaver's plan, to move into the pen. Or it could be an opportunity for the crew to escape, if they can find each other in the gloom. Freedom could be possible, or death. This is a heavyweight moment.

Every writer has times where they want to skip ahead and get to the good part. Fine, go ahead and skip, but come back to the in-betweens. They can help the pace or mood more than one might realize.

Nate

Re: Voyages of the Earthship Horus: Gangsters

PostPosted: January 10, 2008, 01:52:36 PM
by Odysseus
Nate,

Thanks again for taking the time to suggest improvements to my writing style. I've already written and submitted another insa[font=Arial]tllment of Voyages. I'll be sure to use the suggestions you've given to write the next whatever that may be. I'm not too sure that this story line is really the best for me. I want to sursue a more open story line.[/font] 8-)

Re: Voyages of the Earthship Horus: Gangsters

PostPosted: January 11, 2008, 06:51:30 PM
by kailhofer
Nate,

Thanks again for taking the time to suggest improvements to my writing style. I've already written and submitted another insa[font=Arial]tllment of Voyages. I'll be sure to use the suggestions you've given to write the next whatever that may be. I'm not too sure that this story line is really the best for me. I want to sursue a more open story line.[/font] 8-)

You could always try the Flash Fiction Challenge in the Fun and Games folder. It's a great way to try new genres and themes without a big investment in time. Might be a way to find something new that speaks to you.

Nate