Post August 13, 2004, 03:27:18 PM

March to Motherhood by David Alan Jones

Great story! I was a bit concerned at first since the initial pacing seemed to read more like a novel, but it kept me interested until the very end. It definitely had the feel of high fantasy (if one feels the need to categorize).<br><br>One recommendation-- and this seemed to occur less frequently as the story progressed-- is to use less passive voice. Yes, I know, I keep saying that in my critiques, but let me give an example:<br><br>"Myrisa was an actress in the Gambolin farce, so she could speak fluent Kelsh, but she refused to speak a word of it in Loren’s presence, forcing the Selerean girl to practice Tolmec."<br><br>'Was' is functional but not very descriptive. Replacing the passive verbs:<br><br>"Myrisa performed as an actress in the Gambolin farce, so she spoke fluent Kelsh, but she refused to speak a word of it in Loren’s presence, forcing the Selerean girl to practice Tolmec."<br><br>Another comment that's more a question. At the end, it is Loren who states they should return to the camp, despite the objections of her husband and sister-in-law, based on knowing how the mothers would treat her. However, one of the ongoing plot points indicated she felt woefully ignorant of their customs. How did she suddenly gain insight into their psychology?<br><br>Great work. Might be a bit slow for action fans, but I strongly recommend others to read it in its entirety.
"Even the straight arrow needs a crooked bow."
- Samani


jaimie l. elliott

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