Page 1 of 1

Donna and the Genie by Dennis Goldberg

PostPosted: July 18, 2005, 12:38:28 PM
by neoadorable
"Want I should have cook make your bacon, cheese, lettuce and tomato sandwich?"<br><br>was this intentional or simply overlooked? or maybe i'm somehow not reading it right?<br><br>but i gotta say this story took me by surprise. it began with a moderate sense of directionless, but quickly built steam, and culminated in one major twist. <br><br>had a problem with Tony referred to as Indian, since in my mind he was like a sikh shaman until i realized Dennis was going for a native american. likewise, the fact that Donna was fat got mentioned one time too many in my book, but that prob. was intended in order to drive her frustration home.<br><br>dialogue was OK despite the "as always" theme grating. Brian was particularly well-suited to his role in how he voiced himself.<br><br>what about the three other customers? didn't they notice all the paranormal goings on? if you tell me the story was supposed to be surreal in a twilight zone/twin peaks kinda way than it's ok, otherwise a bit odd.<br><br>Lee<br><br><br>

Re: Donna and the Genie by Dennis Goldberg

PostPosted: July 18, 2005, 12:56:24 PM
by Robert_Moriyama
"Want I should have cook make your bacon, cheese, lettuce and tomato sandwich?"

was this intentional or simply overlooked? or maybe i'm somehow not reading it right?
...

Lee
<br><br>I parsed the sentence this way, allowing for Brian's greasy-spoon dialect:<br><br>"(Do you) Want I should (sic -- should be "want me to", but Brian ain't no grammarian) have (the) cook make your bacon, cheese, lettuce and tomato sandwich?"<br><br>You probably tried to make "cook" a verb instead of a person ... Maybe if we'd capitalized it, it would have been clear that "Cook" was a title?<br><br>Robert M.

Donna and the Genie by Dennis Goldberg

PostPosted: July 18, 2005, 10:21:48 PM
by neoadorable
<br>rats, it's clear like that when someone with a functioning brain explains it. No capitalization needed, i get it now.<br><br>Lee

Re: Donna and the Genie by Dennis Goldberg

PostPosted: July 24, 2005, 12:22:20 PM
by Jaimie
As my wife is Indian (and not the Columbus garden variety) and myself also having grown up near a reservation, the use of Indian in this story is just flat-out wrong. I’m not p.c. by any means. It’s just very confusing. Native American, please.<br><br>Okay, that out of the way, I found this story to be extremely funny in a mean-spirited way. Also, I find it a bit aggravating that when obese people are depicted in a malevolent light, their obesity is viewed as part of their malevolence. (Yes, I understand the symbolism behind gluttony, but it’s become trite).<br><br>The lack of identifiers is bound to grate on some of the readers. Seeing that the writer is an award-winning script writer, I found this somewhat odd. Then again, the way that scripts are formatted, I could see why there’s a lack of “he said” or “she said”.<br><br>Overall, I liked it. I won’t, however, recommend it to my wife.

Re: Donna and the Genie by Dennis Goldberg

PostPosted: July 25, 2005, 12:06:55 AM
by unforgibbon
Regarding the blt sentence: I'd say the only thing missing was the article: "the" cook. Probably a simple "droppo."<br><br>Be back soon with more scintillating, incisive commentary.<br><br>Dan E.

Re: Donna and the Genie by Dennis Goldberg

PostPosted: August 03, 2005, 12:06:29 AM
by unforgibbon
Well, this story didn't quite gel for me. I believe I understood the author's intent, and it had the elements for a humorous/surreal episode, but, I don't know, I think it needs a bit of refinement, a punching up to achieve a genuine edge. This is a general sense that I have; eg, the repetitive "as always" dialogue cited above is one idea that just doesn't quite work for me but I can't say specifically why. I'm sorry I don't have concrete suggestions. <br><br>While I look at the use of "Indian" as an attempt to be coarse in a humorous vein, the obesity of the woman falters for its stereotypicality. Well of course a fatty wants food, but if the character was slim or even thin, the whole gluttony angle is cast in a different light.<br><br>And I wonder if this piece would work better visually as it feels more like a dark comedic skit than a short story. <br><br>Dan E.