Post October 12, 2017, 08:51:42 AM

Teenage Vampiric Crush by James J. Murphy III

Fresh take on an old theme. Vampires stories will live forever–----no pun intended. Nice intro and one that got my attention. That’s a plus for any story.

I like how we learn about Elsie by her mother narrating what she finds in her room. Good showing technique, and we get a picture of Elsie. Lorraine snooping in Elsie’s room, shows a concerned mother worried about her daughter. Teenagers become strangers at times, and this scene shows that.

Jesse with his werewolf mentality shows a average kid with imagination.

The story turns to Sandy and the interplay between Elsie and him. A lonely highschool girls meets a lonely highschool boy, and they fall for each other. However we learn that Sandy is a vampires.

I thought the dialogue between all characters believable since it sounded like the way people talk.

A little sensory input would have propelled the story further. For example: The paragraph near the beginning of the story where Elsie walks to Dobb’s Bookstore. As she walks, she could have said how the sun felt finding her cheek or arms, and how the roar of a motorcycle interrupted her thoughts for a second. Remember she was walking down a Boulevard. You can think of other sounds that would be on a traveled Boulevard.

Little things like a breeze finding a forehead or the hum of a transformer atop a telephone pole or the sound a crow in other bird in the distance adds to the realism of a story.

The tick is to find the right balance of sensory input. Too much and it over shadows the story. I believe a little here and there throughout the story is all that is needed. Remember a sentence like “a strange feeling washed over me. . .” also fulfils that requirement.

Good story and one that I liked. My suggestions are only opinions-- I hope they help. In my story writing, I often forget things that should be in them!


Nice job!
Tesla Lives!!!