Retribution by Ioana Visan


Tell us what you thought about the October 2016 issue!

Moderator: Editors

User avatar

Long Fiction Editor

Posts: 2668

Joined: January 11, 2010, 12:03:56 AM

Location: by the time you read this, I'll be somewhere else

Post October 02, 2016, 02:45:26 PM

Retribution by Ioana Visan

Ioana,

I seldom see a surprise ending that I like, but that's because they're often poorly done.

This one was done pretty well, so the surprise ending worked well for me.

The one thing I found that took me out of the story was
The stuff I had slipped into her drink was strong and working in full effect.

This is a surprise, but not one that should have been there. The opening of the scene strongly suggests (without saying so) that the POV character would not have had the opportunity to do this, and this is information that the reader needs up front. So, you need to come up with some way of telling the reader early about the mickey in the drink.

It doesn't have to be stated outright; it might be enough if the POV character could exchange significant glances with the bartender ("a good friend") before approaching the victim. If that seems too subtle, you could put in a little bit about how the POV person had slipped the bartender a packet of powder and a twenty before the target came into the bar, or at least before she sat down.

The only other thing that bothered me was
"Call the paramedics. She's having liver failure," I told him.

The diagnosis is an admission of guilt of sorts. Much better something general, like, "Hey, I think this lady's sick; better call the squad."

Other than that, not bad.

Hope this helps,

LC
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?
User avatar

Editor Emeritus

Posts: 3244

Joined: December 31, 1969, 08:00:00 PM

Location: Kaukauna, Wisconsin (USA)

Post October 09, 2016, 03:56:38 PM

Re: Retribution by Ioana Visan

Lester Curtis wrote:The only other thing that bothered me was
"Call the paramedics. She's having liver failure," I told him.

The diagnosis is an admission of guilt of sorts. Much better something general, like, "Hey, I think this lady's sick; better call the squad."

I disagree.

I think this was showing the professionalism of the character. He got his payback, but it doesn't mean he wanted the woman dead. He really wanted the symbiote. She had guilt by association, and had to pay somewhat, but by pointing the emergency response toward the big problem, he showed that he wasn't only about revenge. There was a slim chance she could live, just like him in the original situation.
Hardcover, paperback, pdf, eBook, iBook, Nook, and now Kindle & Kobo!
Image
A cooperative effort between 17 Aphelion authors. No part of any sales go to Aphelion.

Return to October 2016

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group.
Designed by STSoftware.