Looking for Tush by Dave Steinman


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Post April 12, 2015, 05:05:02 PM

Looking for Tush by Dave Steinman

This thread is for comments about "Looking for Tush"

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Post April 15, 2015, 10:59:37 AM

Re: Looking for Tush by Dave Steinman

The writing is decent enough. Style is not boring and keeps the reader's attention. However, there was a missed opportunity for description: For me, when Tush got out of the bus and Peter saw her again after a few years, it was the best moment for you to describe her in sufficient detail. Saying that she looked like an angel is too generic to paint a picture (an angel could be a baby with wings like in renaissance paintings or men with white eagle wings and a halo). After not seeing her for years, Peter, who fell in love with her for her appearance, would notice these aspects and the writer should reflect that.

The story doesn't seem well mapped out. The twist ending appeared just for the sake of having a twist. There's no foreshadowing. No subtle clues were given to suggest that twist will ever happen. Look at Sixth Sense's legendary twist ending: *spoiler alert* Bruce Willis was shot in the beginning of the movie. His wife doesn't acknowledge his existence. The kid he helps can see ghosts. Hence, it makes sense and nice flow that Bruce Willis is dead. In this story, there was no indication that Peter was a robot. No subtle hint that he would kill Tush. It makes no sense in the borders of the story.

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Post April 15, 2015, 11:04:29 AM

Re: Looking for Tush by Dave Steinman

Also, with whom is the reader supposed to sympathize? I started out liking Peter, only to loath him when he needlessly and without purpose, murder sweet Tush. Again, this is where foreshadowing helps to paint the character and make the story flow smoother.

Writing was decent. Story was poor. In my opinion, the story needs better planning.

Keep at it, fellow writer! Build on this!

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Post April 19, 2015, 09:08:47 PM

Re: Looking for Tush by Dave Steinman

I agree, when he killed her in the end it was a real turn off.
I liked everything up to then, the description and the story but him suddenly not liking what he had to do and then doing it was too much of a surprise for me.
I think this started out as a love story but was being written by someone who likes horror stories, but should think about sticking to love stories!!!

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Post April 20, 2015, 01:21:36 PM

Re: Looking for Tush by Dave Steinman

Thank you all for your constructive comments. I understand your points about the ending, and I think I can shed some light on where I may have gone wrong. My original draft of the story had a much more pleasant, happy ending. But I wasn't happy with it. So I decided to go with something much darker. Unfortunately, I didn't tweak the rest of the story to give it any sort of foreshadowing to coincide with the new ending. Ah well, live and learn!

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