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Soccer Mom by Vannessa Peterson

PostPosted: June 11, 2014, 01:10:26 PM
by EddieSullivan
The writing is good. The beginning made me think we were follwing the car salesman though. Was the switch in perspective intentional? Also was the title referring to anyhting beyond the obvious attribution of Soccer Moms to drive minivans? Over all I enjoyed it.

Re: Soccer Mom by Vannessa Peterson

PostPosted: June 26, 2014, 04:19:00 PM
by rick tornello
As has been mentioned to me about some of my flashes, this one was too short for a flash. The switch up didn't follow.

RT

Re: Soccer Mom by Vannessa Peterson

PostPosted: July 04, 2014, 05:32:17 PM
by Lester Curtis
Watch the POV. Fifth paragraph:
The woman forced her mouth into a straight line to keep from laughing while her beau scratched his head and told himself this guy couldn't be real.
You go from German's POV to that of the customer.

The whole thing profoundly confused me when:
"Lemme show you all the space in the back," said German as he started sliding the door open.
There's more head-hopping, starting with Brandon reading Rhonda's unspoken thought. Then the whole remainder of the story suggests a Rosemary's Baby scenario, with no connection to the car-shopping episode. It's almost like parts of two unrelated stories.