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Lilith's Visit by Luis Ferreira

PostPosted: June 11, 2014, 09:00:11 AM
by EddieSullivan
Kind of creepy. A bit sad. It was good. The story could definitely be expanded to include a larger work.

Re: Lilith's Visit by Luis Ferreira

PostPosted: June 17, 2014, 10:00:31 AM
by Verse

A basic Artifact of Doom story. As it turns out, the The Great Book of Saint Cyprian is a real book, although the legend is that reading it back to front will attract the devil (probably in the same way that listening to Queen's 'Another one bites the dust' backwards will cause drug addiction).

I assume the author's first language is not English. If that's true then this story deserves praise because syntactically and grammatically it was very well done.

However (brace yourselves) there are a lot of things wrong with the plot and construction:

The whole story is tell and not show, some examples:

    "It appears to be a blond woman, apathetic and with a nose piercing." (side note: 'apathetic' is used as an adjective or adverb 5 times throughout. How and why she is apathetic is not shown or described. FYI, a character cannot both be apathetic AND frightened at the same time. Maybe 'apathetic' is a translation error).

    "Isabel gets inside Robert's house. He's a psychologist." You could easily show this and let the reader work it out. It's more work but more fun for the reader e.g. "Robert stepped aside to usher Lilith in. Her eyes briefly focused on the certificates hung in guilt frames along the hallway, degrees in psychology, his medical license to practice and various academic awards."

Robert doesn't behave very much like a psychologist (who don't usually have a medical practice) or a psychiatrist either.

Why does Robert have a tragic back story? It doesn't seem to make him very deserving of his fate, it doesn't make him more sympathetic and it doesn't make his own demise any more tragic than it already is. It could be removed from the plot without affecting anything.

Finally, why isn't Lilith dead if she's also read or started reading the book?

Re: Lilith's Visit by Luis Ferreira

PostPosted: June 22, 2014, 09:28:54 AM
by LuisFerreira
I have had realized that the translation of my short story had not been 100% faithful to the original, however I think the intention of this is noticeable to where it wants to lead us. It is also true that English is not my native language, I'm Portuguese.

Verse, I loved your review. In fact the story could have been referred by another way, more descriptive and less said. Actually, I know the two versions of the legend of the book, but I opted for just one.
The backstory of Robert initially did not exist, was added later, maybe it was a mistake to insert it into my narrative.

Lilith is not the Robert’s patient - that is Elizabeth Ferrell. Lilith is the female demon that "visit" him later that night. The demon who is said to be the serpent who urged Eve to eat the forbidden fruit - the tempting serpent of Eve.
Also, nowhere in the story has been reported that, IN FACT, Isabel read the book. She says so, but the reader is not sure about it. Maybe she knows the legends surrounding it and wanted to put it to the test, and see if they were true or not. Robert can easily be just a test for her.

Thanks and I hope see here later more and more feedback and opinions.
Anyway, I hope you all enjoy my story…