Yeoman's Duty by Frederick Rustam


Tell us what you think of the December 2013 issue!

Moderator: Editors

User avatar

Long Fiction Editor

Posts: 2661

Joined: January 11, 2010, 12:03:56 AM

Location: by the time you read this, I'll be somewhere else

Post December 18, 2013, 06:42:40 PM

Yeoman's Duty by Frederick Rustam

This story is very involved and meticulously detailed, but I'll probably have forgotten it by tomorrow. It failed to engage me to any significant degree with any of the characters in it.

A lot of telling; not so much showing.

I noticed only two mechanical glitches in it: one was a homophone swap of 'discrete' for 'discreet.' The other was this:
As the two officers watched, a maintenance man they both knew unlocked the door of the opposite storeroom and entered, carrying a meal tray from the staff kitchen. He left the door ajar. They couldn't see him after he moved out of their sightline, but they heard a table being pushed across the floor and the tray being dropped onto it.

"Here's your chow, kid. Eat up."

enter>Conversation

The Chief and the Captain glared at Yeoman's jailer, who was crestfallen and fearful. He knew what Zanadu's policy was toward errant employees. No one who stole from a guest was ever given a second chance.

Maybe there's nothing missing from the manuscript, but it feels a bit like there is, and that "enter>Conversation" line fairly screams, "Broken!"

Also, it took me too long to figure out where the story was going and that it was, in fact, a mystery story.

It was not a thriller.
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?

Master Critic

Posts: 3595

Joined: September 17, 2008, 10:10:20 PM

Post December 18, 2013, 10:49:47 PM

Re: Yeoman's Duty by Frederick Rustam

Lester Curtis wrote: Maybe there's nothing missing from the manuscript, but it feels a bit like there is, and that "enter>Conversation" line fairly screams, "Broken!"

Also, it took me too long to figure out where the story was going and that it was, in fact, a mystery story.

It was not a thriller.

Sometimes, during the multi-draft editing process, the writer deletes sections with the storyline firmly planted in their subconscious, but the writer forgets that the readers are not privy to their thoughts and so gaps appear. This is why it is important like a fine wine, to leave a story alone for awhile after each draft so the writer can come back with a fresh vision of their work.

Commenter

Posts: 5

Joined: September 24, 2013, 04:42:26 PM

Post December 22, 2013, 05:42:19 PM

Re: Yeoman's Duty by Frederick Rustam

While Mr. Rustam has an undeniable writing skill, I couldn't help feeling that I was reading an excerpt from some larger whole, something that might explain the strange world the reader is plunged into. The nagging feeling that I was missing something (several earlier explanatory chapters?) prevented me from enjoying this tale as a story unto itself.

Return to December 2013

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group.
Designed by STSoftware.