November 11, 2013, 09:26:27 AM by Verse
I really liked this story. Lot's of great descriptions and lots of tension.
*** SPOILERS ***
Which is why I probably feel the need to now dump a lot of criticism on it (sorry).
1) Johansen
There's some early love-story sub plot stuff and the added tension of trying to find shelter before her shielding gives out but, ultimately, it doesn't go anywhere. The story makes it clear she's probably dead whether or not they find shelter in time, so her purpose in the plot is to add sentiment and character development for Saturday, her love interest.
This would be fine but
a) Saturday is also a minor character, so the love story sub-plot is not significant.
b) after they get to the Cathedral she disappears off to 'sick bay' and we never see her again and
b) she maybe/probably died when Stag and his crew blew the inner door lock (I also have a grip about that too)
You could remove her from the story entirely without affecting the plot and this would make it a tighter, albeit shorter, story.
2) Killing Saturday
This is really a little grumble. Saturday is an important but minor character to the story, his death is a crucial plot element. He has to die to show how ruthless and evil Stagg and his crew are. However, the manner of his death - tied to the Johansen love-interest - is what causes me issue. He isn't killed off quickly. Instead they destroy his suit's protection and also give him a super high dose of radiation. The last we see of him is that he tumbles down a dune, presumably to die an agonising death. As a reader, anyone who is wounded but not dead is expected to come back into the story at some point (e.g. like Johansen. who didn't!). Otherwise, kill that sucker off - you can do it as unpleasantly as you like but make sure they are gone, dead, pushing up the daisies, the bucket kicked, shuffled off the mortal coil, etc. Don't leave the reader hanging.
3) Virj's death
Kind of an ass pull on that one. He needed to be dead for the plot (like Saturday) but the manner of his death was very weak. Now this would have been a perfect opportunity to show how rash and evil Stagg was. If Stagg had gunned down Virj as he tried to escape through the tunnels with the Altar, it would have helped demonstrate he was a shoot first, ask questions later kind of guy.
4) " They were gone. Quirk, Stagg, Verj, Johansen, Saturday. All gone now."
Except Quirk and Stagg weren't, at that point, 'gone' in the same way as Verj, Johansen and Saturday, they were just lost, along with the MC, in the Cathedral's labyrinth.
5) Kamil Larson was a crap architect
What kind of architect designs a structure for a planet with a non-breathable atmosphere that doesn't have air tight bulkheads and doors in case the integrity is breached by unscrupulous space smugglers? Now to be fair, it was an unfinished structure or it could be the automatic mechanisms to shut bulk head doors could be inactive. Verj uses torches to light the way, so it kind of implied the whole place was un-powered APART from the airlock.
I hope the author takes these as constructive. My opinion is that addressing these issues would make the story more compelling and tighter but that's all it is, an opinion. I still really liked the story.
Doggerel is a derogatory term for verse considered of little literary value.