Post October 06, 2013, 05:46:23 PM

The Hovercar's Tale by Peter Ong

I like the concept of the poem being told from the perspective of the hovercar. There's a long tradition of using anthropomorphism in poetry.

I didn't find that the use of rhyme here enhances the poem though. It seems to be inconsistent:
The first four lines don't rhyme. Then the fifth and six lines do with "dale" and "trail."
But in the seventh and eighth lines amore is pronounced ah-MOR-ay and doesn't rhyme with seashore.
The next three lines don't rhyme.
Then we have four rhyming couplets in a row.
Next there are two lines that look like they should each be split into couplets because the words "two" and "view" within the same line rhyme as do "relief" and "grief."
The rest of the poem doesn't rhyme accept the ending few lines with the words "true," "blue," and "do."

Of course a writer can do whatever they want when it comes to rhyme scheme. But rhyme can be powerful if used with intent. It can add meaning and emphasis to a poem. As a reader of this poem I was given hints that there is supposed to be a structure but it seems to have never been fully realized or executed haphazardly. For me this became a distraction as I read the poem. I guess my advice is, either commit to a structure/rhyme scheme and then stick to it, or don't, and write free verse. I think the poem would work better if the poet had chosen one of these two options.