Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann


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Post February 18, 2013, 12:37:11 PM

Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

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Post February 21, 2013, 12:29:33 AM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

Liked the story from beginning to end. It held my attention and I wasn’t disappointed when finished.

The first paragraph grabbed my interest which is always a plus, and that simple technique sometimes makes or breaks as short story.

The grandson sneaking a cigarette to his grandfather shows compassion bordering on empathy. Yet, the grandfather directly implies that the reason in the beginning for the visits was for financial gain, yet now he knows that his grandson knows that he has no money. Now the grandfather wants to know why he still visits. The grandson, after some thought, suggests that the old-folks home relaxes him. He uses the word ‘guess’ in the story, but I find the he doesn’t know exactly why he comes.

The wit the grandfather displays and his mental sharpness makes me believe that all of his life he used his brain, whether a laborer or a professional. Good interjection, for the reader will feel more comfortable when the grandfather tells his stories. If the author showed the grandfather as being a bit senile, forgetful or confused, to reader would not place much trust in his two tales.

The two stories presented by the grandfather are strange events, and strange events happen occasionally to most people. Each tale is well narrated and easy to follow, and a clear mental picture can be formed when reading each.

The dialogue is good, attention to detail good, and the believability of the two tales--as narrated by the grandfather---is very good as each is being told.

A miss-spelled word and not using the possessive when needed, were the only errors I caught. I usually make the same mistakes when writing a story.

This story set me thinking. Weird situations or occurrences pop into everyone’s life.
I think back, and yes, I can recall strange events during my life. None as elaborate as the ones in this story, just little things usually.

Nice story!
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Post February 21, 2013, 01:12:05 PM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

A little wordy, a lot could've been cut out and the feeling would still have been there.
I wanted to know more about the guy sinking into the ground.

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Post February 21, 2013, 01:39:15 PM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

nogameben wrote:A little wordy, a lot could've been cut out and the feeling would still have been there.
I wanted to know more about the guy sinking into the ground.

Let me officially welcome you to Aphelion!

We're glad to have you. Your comments are desired and helpful to the writers. If you write and are interested, check out the flash challenge this month in the Fun and Games folder. You'll have until Sunday the 24th to get a story in. Read the rules and submit something.

Good to have you aboard.

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Post March 02, 2013, 11:50:54 AM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

I thought this story moved along really well. As far as a short story presented on a laptop screen can, it kept me turning the pages. My mind was constantly: "Yeah, and then? .... and then?.... and then?...."

But just when I thought that there was going to be a punchline, it just ended. To the question: "What was that all about?" the story's response is a shrug and "Who knows? Strange old world, isn't it?"

Nevertheless, I'll admit that, though I was initially disappointed, my mind kept returning to the story off and on throughout the rest of the day. It sort of clung to me as I tried to work out what the author was really trying to say. And *THAT* tells me the story was successful.

If a story sticks with you, the author has done his job, IMHO. This one did.
Last edited by regrehan on March 02, 2013, 02:32:40 PM, edited 1 time in total.

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Post March 02, 2013, 12:17:20 PM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

regrehan wrote:...
But just when I thought that there was going to be a punchline, it just ended. To the question: "What was that all about?" the story's response is a shrug and "Who know? Strange old world, isn't it?"
...


I'll chime in on the topic of endings. I also enjoy solid "complete" endings. It's unclear for me precisely what the pace of the ending should be; sometimes it's nice just to have one major plot line wrap up "early".

In the novel format, this can mean with a third of the book left, just so that the reader feels that the characters are accomplishing something. Then another plot line, and the last few in the second to last chapter, and then with everything okay it's fun to "hang out" with the characters for a chapter "just living a life".

Somewhat less sublime but acceptable is the infamous "wall of text", which jams in all the resolution in 10 pages. Thrillers are prone to that for some reason, as well as a fair amount of SF.

I agree I enjoy least "shrugs" and "didn't answer the question" endings (TV Show "Lost"!). Or the Alice-esque "oh look, it wasall a dream."
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Post March 02, 2013, 03:53:57 PM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

I liked this a lot. And, although it doesn't SEEM to go anywhere, it does its job quite well. Rather than being dissatisfied with the ending, I find myself hoping that the grandfather lives long enough for the grandson to go back and share his own experience.

The descriptions of the events put me in mind of the stories published by Charles Fort: rather dry, straightforward narrations, like newspaper reporting. This just seems to magnify their creepiness.

Characterization, dialog, and setting were excellent.

Nice job. I'd be happy to see some more from this author, and I hope he becomes a commenter, too.
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Post March 08, 2013, 03:19:18 PM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

I enjoyed this piece, but I have some suggestions that might be useful to you.

First, I'd go over it carefully with an eye for correcting punctuation. I know, I know - some of the rules regarding punctuation in English are vague. Some of them are constantly in a sate of flux. Still, there are things you can easily improve in this work, and without any uncertainty. For instance, several places need commas, or need to have a semicolon instead of a comma.

Second, watch those typos. Using "defiantly" where you mean "definitely" or "then" where you mean "than" really hurts the reading experience. These types of errors just yank the reader out of the world you're creating.

Third, pick a tense and stick with it (except in dialogue).

Fourth, cut it down a bit. You could remove most of the introductory stuff without hurting the piece at all.

Fifth, find a copy of The Elements of Style and read it about twelve times.

I wouldn't take the time to make suggestions if I thought you were not a worthy writer, so don't be offended by any of this. Honest criticism is the best, friendliest response a writer can get.

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Post March 13, 2013, 07:44:30 PM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

Actually, punctuation rules for English are not in flux, that's only for 'Merkin, and they're only in flux there because people won't be bothered learning them.
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Post March 13, 2013, 11:06:09 PM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

gordhaddow wrote:Actually, punctuation rules for English are not in flux, that's only for 'Merkin, and they're only in flux there because people won't be bothered learning them.

I LIKE this person! :P :D :) :lol:
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Post March 13, 2013, 11:49:54 PM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

Hey, us merkins can punchyou8 just fine.

Try
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/

everything you need. Lively comments, sometimes offering things you don't need.

And, even more than Strunk & White, I like "Woe Is I," by Patricia T. O'Connor.

Ed: that should be, "Woe Is I," by Patricia T. O'Conner. Note spelling of last name.
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Post March 19, 2013, 01:25:17 AM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

I realize there were a few typographical errors but I had
read it over and re-edited it so many times I sorta,
you know? Sorry fella's!
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Post March 19, 2013, 06:12:20 AM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

nogameben wrote:I realize there were a few typographical errors but I had
read it over and re-edited it so many times I sorta,
you know? Sorry fella's!


I know this feeling well. Have you anyone you trust to proofread for you?
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Post March 20, 2013, 12:05:58 PM

Re: Grandpa's Tale story by Ben Revermann

I do but said person only has a GED so I don't expect much
constructive feedback. I had a teacher reading for me but
I overloaded her with at least 2 short stories a week and
with her workload she couldn't/can't keep up.

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