Love Bomb By Craig Cornwell


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Post December 20, 2012, 08:15:27 PM

Love Bomb By Craig Cornwell

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Post December 28, 2012, 10:26:09 PM

Re: Love Bomb By Craig Cornwell

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a Mary Sue in our midst.

You know, I honestly can't be sure if this author is extraordinarily clumsy or really wry and clever, but the story is pretty funny either way. The question is whether it was meant to be funny or not. Maybe the author will tell us.

One thing I found annoying was the use of commas when semicolons were needed.
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?

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Post January 14, 2013, 09:27:46 AM

Re: Love Bomb By Craig Cornwell

Lester

Thanks for the input, I always appreciate honest opinions, still learning about writing every day.
The story is supposed to be amusing, although I would never claim to be clever or witty!
Comma and Semicolon misdemeanour has been commented upon twice recently and hopefully will sink in

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Post January 14, 2013, 12:15:18 PM

Re: Love Bomb By Craig Cornwell

Craig67 wrote:Lester

Thanks for the input, I always appreciate honest opinions, still learning about writing every day.
The story is supposed to be amusing, although I would never claim to be clever or witty!
Comma and Semicolon misdemeanour has been commented upon twice recently and hopefully will sink in


Hi Craig.

It popped up again right there in your comment!

As an exercise, try an "overkill" of doing a quick writing exercise where the first step is to put periods (or exclamation marks!) in the place of all commas. Then set about repairing the dangling fragments back into sentences. So above, "Thanks for the input." works all by itself. Therefore you would leave that part alone. Then it becomes clearer that the next bit needs fixing.

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Post January 14, 2013, 12:43:14 PM

Re: Love Bomb By Craig Cornwell

Craig67 wrote:The story is supposed to be amusing...


Hi Craig,

Another way to describe Lester's comment is to try to clarify in more depth what type of "amusing" effect you wanted. What you might want to think about is whether you were specifically intending a parody or not. That is where the current version is headed, though I'm not quite sure how to polish it in that direction.

The problems arise if you just thought it was a funny invention but you were serious about the rest of the followup, because then it falls into itself with the weight of its own lack of finesse. Some of the easiest places to start are with the Ex-Lawyer Karate Instructor reporter who ... reports on Superheroes? With that one bit, you just informed the reader that Superheroes are a valid part of your fictional universe! My first thought then becomes, "so why didn't anyone call one?".

A little farther down, the plot finale hinges upon triumphantly informing corporate enforcers already shown to be capable of felonious trespass and aggravated assault a contract and expecting that to end the conversation?! At that point they would surely have some better reply than to just walk away seething in rage.

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Post January 14, 2013, 12:58:34 PM

Re: Love Bomb By Craig Cornwell

Hmm, you have certainly given me a lot to think about and I will definitely try out your tip for semicolon/commas as I struggle there.

I think perhaps I also need to put a bit more thought into what I want to say in my story rather that settle for light-hearted fluff

It is very helpful to receive thoughtful criticism, so thank you.

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Post January 14, 2013, 06:01:33 PM

Re: Love Bomb By Craig Cornwell

By the way Craig, welcome aboard. Come back, read and comment often. We will enjoy having you around.

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Post January 16, 2013, 06:39:27 AM

Re: Love Bomb By Craig Cornwell

Thank you, Mark, it's good to be on board.

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