
Long Fiction Editor
Posts: 2684
Joined: January 11, 2010, 12:03:56 AM
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Stiffing the Blademaster by Kurt Heinrich Hyatt
Blank, sightless eyes stared without seeing at the vaulted ceiling.
"Sightless eyes stared without seeing" -- ??!! Aw, come ON!
You shouldn't have done that, Mr. Hyatt.
Otherwise, the presaging was too heavy-handed. I could tell with pretty high certainty what was likely to happen at the end. Also, I think it would have been better to have given the physical description of Taragon earlier in the story.
You also have a plot hole. Taragon is, I presume, filthy rich to begin with, and about to get more so. Which makes me wonder, why is she trying to save money by stiffing the assassin, especially when she should know how dangerous that can be? A couple thou here or there should be relatively meaningless to her. And, you have the assassin throwing away the hundred, which makes no sense either.